Exact Approximations

I'll be damned.

2010-05-31T14:40:00.002-07:00

Lex has regained access to her blog.

I forgot my (apparently very secure) password, and my recovery e-mail was through my college. They promptly deleted that account upon graduation, and I never updated Blogger with a new password recovery address. I tried to use Blogger's password recovery service for the idiots who display such stupidity, and was promptly told that I had not provided enough accurate information to be given access. I couldn't remember my own personal and blog information. Further displaying my stupidity. Additionally, I also forgot my (also very secure) password to my ExactApproximations@gmail.com account, which would allow me to access Blogger despite ignorance of my Blogger password.

And I was sad, believing Lex was lost to me forever, known only in archives.

Then, Epiphany.

I could reset my ExactApproximations gmail account with a simple click, which immediately sent me re-set information to my primary personal email.

It was so obviously simple. Only took me 15 months to figure out.

Haiku Tuesday

2009-02-03T16:59:00.002-07:00

There was a young fellow from Trinity.
Who took the square root of infinity
But the number of digits
Gave him the fidgets;
He dropped math and took up Divinity.

*George Gamow

I've been super-into theoretical cosmology, quantum mechanics, and other such things I'm not smart enough to understand. It gets me through the long days.

Shout out to Sadie. I did it anyway.

;)

History

2008-11-04T21:32:00.004-07:00

Barack Obama did it. His supporters did it. We all did it.

So happy.

I'm crying again, for the fourth time in the past 24 hours. Cried last night, with the anticipation of how today might be, and for what today would mean. Cried this morning, when driving Daughter to school and reminding her to never forget this day. Cried in the voting booth, when I saw an African-American name at the top of my ballot. And finally, I cried tonight, when the announcement came and I finally allowed myself to believe that this was really happening.

For the first time in a long time, I am incredibly proud to be an American. After the celebration passes, let the test begin.

I believe in this man.

I feel deep hope.

Hope springs eternal.

And may hope continue to grow.

The Up & Up.

2008-05-01T18:51:00.003-07:00

All better. Surgery a raging success. Off the narcotics. That part was awful. Came to settlement agreement with my 4+ year ex-husband. Things with fiance' are awesome. That part isn't new. Got job. Job is fat. Co-workers super-cool. In so good a mood, I'm not even deconstructing all above.

For the first time in so long, things are really, really good.

Help Wanted

2008-03-04T21:49:00.006-07:00

Have legal skills? Willing to work on extremely short notice? Looking to add some pro bono to your experience?

Well then, Lex has just the project for you!

I received my copy of a motion submitted by opposing counsel in a lovely little legal drama I am a party to in another state. Spent today drafting a response until nothing made sense anymore. Being pro se, I have a jackass for a lawyer. I would really like a second pair of eyes to review my pleading, advise on basic legal writing/clarity issues, and honestly bitch me re: what needs to be toned down lest I come off as an emotional, reactive idiot.

My document is only a few double-spaced pages long, so it shouldn't take long to look over. If you're willing to help, please leave your address in the comments. Or email me at exactapproximations@gmail.com

Any help much appreciated.

Ask yourself.

2008-01-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sitting outside watching the moon chase rain clouds, I randomly asked myself a question: How many people do I love? (Relatives not included).

I came up with three.

Is that sad? It seems sad. I can't explain why.

What's your count?

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Finally, 2008. I called a friend in California when it was 2008 here and 2007 there. I wished him a Happy New Year even though he wasn't there yet, but told him he would catch up. Somehow, the concept seemed really meaningful. I can't explain why.

Putting 2007 behind me feels like rebirth. Looking back, the last year can appear a waste - down sick most of the year, fired, surgery... sucksville. I'm looking for the lessons. Humility. For sure. I flew through life easy-style for a long, long time. Many years. Got to the point where I started thinking everything would, naturally, come easy. To me. As if I deserved it or something. Then the bullshit came and I thought I would fall into and over and away with it. Falling on your ass hurts bad. Even now, even feeling better, I still feel it. I have scars to prove it. Scars to remind me there is no golden platter. Not one with my name on it anyway. And I'm starting to think maybe life wouldn't be so great if there had been...

Ok, so this year. This year I need to:

1) Find jobbie-job. With health benefits.

2) Get married. (Aiming for 8-8-08, save the date).

3) Find sex-tape.

4) Destroy sex-tape.

5) Start running again.

6) Go to beach. Twice. At least.

7) Stockpile highlighters from New Job.

8) Read Bible again. Highlight impossible/idiotic passages.

9) Call loved ones more. And return emails. (I was terrible about that last year.)

10) Learn tween slang. I'm 28 years old and I have no idea what half the things these kids are saying mean...

11) Try salmon.

12) Obtain minimum of two pairs of new Steve Madden shoes.

13) Read every dictionary entry under letter "L".

Wish me luck. Note that blogging more isn't on the list. I don't know what direction I'm going with LexLand anymore. Maybe I'm growing out of it. Maybe Lex has served her purpose. Maybe she's just begun. Maybe she'll start blogging again like crazy. Dunno. I'm not forcing any direction on the issue. I'll live it as it comes for sure; and maybe I'll write it.

Posting for the Sake of Posting

2007-12-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I take forever. I know.

So I think surgery worked. I feel a billion times better. Put away my heating pad for the first time in over a year and a half.

I'm looking for work. Not meeting with much success. The interviews I've gone on have all been pretty small firms, and I haven't been very impressed. Another thing that sucks is most people don't want to start any hires until after the new year.Makes sense, but sucks for me. I am bored out of my mind.

My mother-in-law has been staying with me a lot. Officially, she lives with Sadie and Uncle Reptile, but that's pretty much a "title only" situation. She is here... ah, I'd say about half the time or so. She's been real sick. Suffers from Multiple Sclerosis, which is what my father had. She's been having a flare up and can't really get around too well. I've been chauffeuring her to doctors appointments and picking her off the floor when she falls. It's hard, to see someone feel that way, and not be able to do much. It's definitely bringing back some Daddy-Flashbacks.

Things should get more interesting once I start work. Blogging just isn't so much fun if you're not violating the Rules of Ethics.

Happy Holidays, I'll try to write more. Life right now doesn't make for very interesting blogging material.

I did lose a sex tape last week. That can't be good...

Why do 1940's Assholes Win?

2007-11-13T23:44:00.000-07:00

I curled up in bed last night, flicked through the television stations, and settled on a showing of 1942's My Gal Sal. I love old movies, but this one pissed me off. I just don't get how Paul Dresser up and left the beautiful carnival girl to chase down the admittedly amazing and even more beautiful Sally Elliot (Rita Hayworth, HOT).

I think if the story were written today, Dresser would have ended up going back and saving the carnival girl. Instead, he lets her save him, nurse him, employ him, love him... then he lies to her just before he leaves her behind to seek greener pastures. And then, in the end, Dresser gets the super-star Sal and lives happily ever after. Which he absolutely did not deserve. And what became of the carnival girl?

Hanging In

2007-10-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Had surgery Tuesday. Got out of the hospital yesterday. I'm still painfully recovering - using a walker, rockin' knotted hair, no make-up, and needing assistance with basic activities. But the worst has passed. Because there's still a bunch of soreness and all over pain from undergoing the procedure itself, I can't tell if it worked yet. I should have a better idea in a week or two.

If I remember and still want to, I'll post more about it later. Too tired right now. Just wanted to spread the word that surgery is officially in the past.

Hope all is well with everyone else in the blogosphere this week.

P.S. - I got a pretty entertaining comment on my last post, The One Where Lex is a Nutbar.

Her light eyes were dancing, she is insane.

2007-10-11T14:45:00.000-07:00

After my recent onslaught of insanity dreams, I started hearing weird voices. Mostly the voices of characters in my dreams. As this was getting out of control, I went and saw a psychiatrist yesterday.

Psychiatrist sits me down and starts asking all kinds of questions about my childhood, parents, drugs, birth injuries and flah flah flah. I answer. Whatever, none of it's news anymore. Towards the end of the session, we finally get to the dreams. I give Psychiatrist some examples of the dreams, and she sits back in her chair and says "wow" a lot. I told her about one dream and she said she had never heard of such things before... That was weird. How long did this chick go to school?

I got a diagnonsense.

Mild schizophrenia.

I'm supposed to take anti-psychotics.

I don't want to.

I knew I was a little off, but never thought I was, like, crazy crazy.

Going Crazy

2007-10-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ok... I have been having crazy-insane dreams. Maybe dreams. I can't tell anymore.

Basically, these dreams consist of me traveling to other places/times and interfering with the actions of those in the other locations. For instance, I had this dream yesterday afternoon that I went on vacation, to a little town where I stayed at one of those hostile places, where you rent a room from a family. I show up to the place I'm renting my room from, meet the lady that runs the place and her son (a very gifted piano player). Exhausted, I head off to bed. I fall asleep. I dream. I call this, for clarity's sake "the dream within a dream" part. Anyhow, in the dream within a dream, I dream that I am out and about in the little town and start to see awful things happening. Lots of players, and the dream ends in the Piano Boy's death. I wake up from the dream, go downstairs to the common area, find paper, and start drawing everything I remember dreaming about. Hostile Lady walks by, looking at my drawings over my shoulder. She recognizes people. I have no idea who they are. Hostile Lady tells me that this is her daughter, her husband, the local barber, and so on - while pointing out the people in my drawings. I take her aside, away from Piano Son and tell her what happened in my dream. She looks stunned because she recognizes everyone and some things I'm talking about. I also go out to the town and speak to her husband, the barber and some others who I've forgotten since the dream. Anyhow, I tell these people what happened in my dream, then they change their actions and the terrible ending in my dream within a dream ends up not happening in the little town. I wake up. Confused. But feeling like I've accomplished something.

I've also been having repeating dreams, the same dream over and over again. Last night/this morning, I dreamt that I was on this strange alien planet... there was some sort of war going on. I don't know anyone in this dream. I find myself figuring out how their flying ships and various James Bond-esque gadgets work. I wake up (in *real* life). Later, I go back to sleep. The dream starts over. I'm going through almost the same events, except this time, I understand the machines and gadgets a bit better, and am able to avoid some awful situations I encountered the first time I had the dream. This last time I dreamt about it, some thing (not a person, but not your typical alien) - managed to secretly get me blueprints for the flying device I keep finding myself in, and try to start understanding how to operate it better. I seriously believe I will have the dream again and understand will things even better.

Another instance - I had a dream that lasted over the course of 3 nights. On the first night, these crazy aliens (again, not the typical aliens we all see pictures of), come to Earth. Their purpose is to destroy all humans. They start this venture by creating major climactic changes, which result in flooding, torrential downpours, mudslides, etc. Night 1: all this starts happening and, by myself, I flee to safe ground after going through terrible and frightening obstacles, going back, retracing my steps, all until I find a safe place. Night 2: Dream picks up where it left off, now my mission is to go back to where I began, and give groups of people the safe-route directions to the safe place. Night 3: Dream picks up where it left off. Now, together with the people that followed my directions, we all find larger groups of surviving humans who are trying to come up with a plan to fight back. Intricate details, traveling throughout the planet, spying on the aliens' activities... I never went back there in dream land.

So, this has all been going on for 2-3 weeks. It's freaking me out. I wake up not sure where I'm at. People, creatures, characters etc in my dreams are telling me to do things in real life. I honestly find myself believing that these things are seriously happening (I especially feel that way for the first 3-4 hours after I wake).

Yeah, so, I don't know. It's freaking me out. And I really think I'm losing it sometimes. One friend had some interesting thoughts on the topic... But mostly, everyone reassures me that I "know" these things aren't real. I explain that I honestly don't know for certain that these things aren't real anymore.

What does anyone think? Should I get my head checked? Most importantly, has anyone else had similar experiences? Message me with any and all thoughts - no matter how weird you think they might be. Trust me, I won't think you're crazy. I'm desperate.

Prepartum Depression

2007-10-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

I suffer from raging baby fever. My surgery date is set - October 23! I go in Wednesday for a pre-op appointment so they can get me in sooner if something opens up.

Since I'm not having a hysterectomy anymore, and the new procedure might allow fertility for a couple more years, (before I have the eventual hysterectomy I'll need) - all I can think about is having another baby while I actually may still be able to. Since I had already dealt with never being able to have more children before, when I was going to have a hysterectomy, I think the newfound possibility makes the fantasies stronger and more pervasive. A sense of urgency.

So I started figuring that if: surgery goes well, I start working again, and we get caught up in bills - I wanted to try for another baby. The thought makes me happy, just imagining. Going through the experience with the other person, and not having to be 16, alone, poor, guilty, and scared shitless.

No one else seems stoked. Fiance looked at me like I was insane when I brought it up. In fairness, I have been thinking about it for awhile and presented it to him like this: "So, here's what I'm thinking, after I have surgery and start working, we're gonna try for another kid." He's all for the idea of going through physical requirements of trying, but not so much of reaching the pregnancy goal. Also, I didn't really give him time to think, then I got all stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt when he wasn't jumping up and down with excitement... After a bit, he said that when things stabilize, he's open to the idea. I remained a little stupid-chick-emotional-butt-hurt, but hid it well. As all semi-intelligent insane women eventually learn to do. It's all about hiding the extra-strength crazy.

Daughter picked up on the topic through small innuendos between myself, Fiance' and Mom-In-Law (sidenote: children are far smarter than people give them credit for, they so often know what's going on and get frustrated when no one talks to them about it because they're "too young".) Anyhow, afterwards, Daughter was visibly upset. I asked her time and again what was the matter, and Daughter told me it was nothing and she was simply tired. Finally, when we laid down for bed, I got her to spill. Daughter began crying. She doesn't want me to have another child. She likes things how they are. She's afraid she won't be my favorite person anymore. As I've discussed here before, I have always had concerns that I could never love another person more than Daughter and Step-Son - even my own child. I mean, I would still love the crap out of the kid, but I do honestly wonder if I am capable of feeling that way with anyone else. When I told Daughter that her concern was ill-founded and that I will always love her bigger than the mountains. She replied, quite convinced "that's what you say now, but that changes when people have a new baby." More tears. I didn't know what to say. I reassured her that we would all be one big lovin' family, but she was inconsolable. Finally, I told her that it wasn't even something we were trying for anytime soon, it was just a thought. Who knows if I can even have more children, many doctors have told me I probably still can't, even now that I get to keep my stupid fancy uterus. We put aside the issue for now, but she still seemed worried.

So, sadly, all this made me feel like I shouldn't have another baby. I don't want to be the only one stoked about the idea. And I already had my Keep-The-Baby-Daddy kid, so that parts taken care of. Still, I want it, I daydream about it, I can't get it outta my head. I dunno. I guess I should keep my maternal fantasies to myself and turn my daydreams to getting a dog.

Free... to feel good.

2007-09-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

After three years of separation, I am officially divorced!!!

Awesome. So Awesome.

Too good to be true?

2007-09-17T01:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday, I had a meeting with a Private Investigator that I met at my old firm. PI Guy brought a huge case to Old Boss and was around the office a lot. We got along really well. Nice guy, middle-aged, smart (enough, but can't spell worth a crap), and he knows a ton of people. He does a lot of legal work and gives legal advice - basically pretends to be an attorney. He's been known to do clients' legal research and write their pleadings. If ever there was a person committing Unauthorized Practice, this is the guy (he's been accused 3 times, but never sued or otherwise sanctioned).

Anyhow, he calls me on Friday to pitch me some cases he's working on, and wants a lawyer to work on. Basically, he's at a stopping point on many of his cases because he can't do hearings. He had a sense of urgency - mostly because he has a forcible detainer case where PI has been helping a home-owner evict a tenant for lease breaches. The thing is, the home is technically owned by the guy's corporation, and a corporation can only be represented by an attorney or an officer of the corp (they haven't appointed officers yet, not that it matters, he's the sole owner) - so the court told him an attorney must file a Notice of Appearance before the judge will grant relief. So I go to PI's office, listen to the facts, procedural history, and current status of the case and give him some of my thoughts. Then came the mind-blowing portion of the discussion.

PI Guy wants to find an attorney, bring them on board, create an LLC, and become business partners. PI Guy will pay my dues, CLE fees, liability insurance, Westlaw access, and front all costs associated with the cases (expert fees, filing costs, law clerk salaries, everything.) I would be salaried initially (to ensure an income), and then once the business gets going (and in any event, less than 1 year), I become an equal shareholder and receive 1/2 of the profits. I get to write the employment agreement.

Obviously, my greatest concerns revolve around being able to competently represent our clients. Most cases are property law, red car/ blue car accidents, employment law, and some criminal work. I've done one case from start to finish - a straightforward car accident case where the insurance company folded and forked over the entire amount of the first demand. So my experience is light to say the least. I am not confident that I would be capable of becoming familiar with all the various areas of law in time to meet the deadlines in some of the cases (there are hearings as early as next week.) For example, in the forcible detainer case - I have no idea what to think about the fact that the corporation hasn't appointed officers yet, but already owns property (hiding assets?) -- Who would I sign the retainer agreement with? -- Would it be valid? -- These are all things I would need to figure out stat. Not to mention having to learn the applicable law for the action itself... It seems a bit overwhelming. But I guess there's lots of pros to learning how to fly a plane while you're building it. I just don't want clients to pa the cost of my inexperience.

What do you think? What would are your greatest concerns/questions? Does it sound too good? Is it a bad idea for a new attorney to jump right into a solo-practice? What obstacles do you foresee? Bonuses? Anyone ever done anything like this? How did it go?

Any and all questions/thoughts/ideas/opinions are welcome (actually, I'm begging you guys on this one.)

I'm supposed to decide soonish.

Concern

2007-09-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Today, I received a comment on an old post entitled Mad World. That post probably gets the most hits of all my old stuff, because people always find me when they search "Mad World meaning."

The comment is scary, and I hope my readers can offer any advice. It says:

"I'm only 12 and am too scared too kill myself because of the effects on my mom and sister. I'm horribly depressed to the point where it's been10 months of psychology and it can't be helped. I care about the world too much and don't want to be in it anymore. What do I do, I beg anyone!"

I'm scared for her(?) - please tell her whatever you think.

Tried to make me go to rehab

2007-09-14T14:30:00.001-07:00

Today I came home from a 6-day visit to Crapsville, California. Brother Electrician - well, both brothers are electricians... so I guess I'll go with Brother Helicopter and Brother Books. Anyhow, Brother Helicopter bought me a Greyhound ticket. I spent the whole time with my brothers, sister, niece and nephews, and Mom and Step-Dad. Didn't check in with any old friends. It was great.

One of my favorite things in the world is when all four of us siblings get together, chill out in a room, and gab. We talk about everything. Flying airplanes (Brother Helicopter is huge into flying, and demolishing, super-expensive planes and airplanes); family gossip of all kinds, who Brother Books is banging this month, analingus, and Buddha Statue stealing (family tradition - we all steal eachothers Buddha - I don't think my brother realized I ganked one of his yesterday). It's so much fun. We threaten to beat the shit out of eachother, and end up laughing about anything together.

I didn't get to see much of Mom. She threw her back out and ended up in bed pretty much the whole time I was there, waking only for work. That disappointed me, I whined and whined about how hurt I was that she didn't hang out with me =( Closest thing I got was when I stormed her room, jumped into her bed, and watched General Hospital with her.

Anyhow, I think one of the reasons Brother Helicopter wanted me to come was so that he could see how I looked, acted, etc., given my illness. Fortunately, I went to my doctor the day before I left and my medicine regime got completely changed. Now I take enough morphine every day to kill a (small) horse. This led to me feeling, actually, pretty well. I felt hardly any pain, for the first time in a long time. Except for a few vomiting episodes, I held up really well. This led Brother Helicopter to believe that I am fine. So all I heard from him was that I need to throw out my meds and "just deal." In addition to the pain scripts, I also take antidepressants, sleep aid, and a bunch of antibiotics/albuterol/cough syrup for the lovely case of bronchitis I'm trying to knock. Brother Helicopter said that the bronchitis was probably a side-effect of one of the other medications =)This doesn't bother me so much. I understand that Brother Helicopter hasn't seen me during a really bad spell; he's never had to pull me from the floor or wipe vomit from my cheeks. I was so stoked to be feeling decent while I was visiting, but on the other hand, I think my brother is now convinced that I'm a-o.k. He told me over an over again how I need to stop taking all my medications. He compared it to muscle aches he gets from work - and said, with pride, that all he ever does is apply topical muscle cream. I tried to explain that my situation is a bit different, but to no avail.

He was especially concerned about the anti-depressants. When I told him that every doctor I've seen insists that I stay on them (since my July euthanization attempt) - he told me that I haven't been suicidal since I was 13 - and I explained that I was actually 28 in July, just like I am now. Brother Helicopter is looking out for me and worries - so I'm not mad. I just feel like the direction his concern is taking is misplaced, and that sucks.

Brother Helicopter has also been trying to convince me that Daughter should go and live with him for awhile. See, our father was really, really sick when I was 11 until he died when I was 13. Daughter is 11 and Brother Helicopter fears she will have to go through the same hell we went through ... I don't know. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm being selfish in keeping her here. I love Brother Helicopter. I just wish I felt more support from him =(I don't know.

Because I really respect Brother Helicopter's opinion, I find myself thinking a lot about what he said, and it's getting into my head that maybe he's right. Maybe I need to just stop taking all of my medications and deal. Maybe I should wait til after surgery. Maybe I should at least stop the antidepressants. Maybe I should can all my pills and start smoking the ganja.

If he pays for rehab, I might go, go, go.

Fowl

2007-09-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

For the first time in many, many years, I tried eating meat today. Chicken.

It was nasty. Not so much the taste, but the texture. Ugh. You have to chew that shit for so long. I don't like it, but I think I'll try it again. Apparently, I need protein or something.

One flew over.

2007-09-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

I went to my first "counseling" appointment today. I walked into a small room, lit with votive candles and humming the water drop sounds of two zen-water-rock thingers. Those things are lame, but I stuck my finger inside of one anyway. To see if I could distract the water flow. I did.

My counselors name was "Rashel" - pronounced Rochelle. I don't know why her parents spelled it like Rachel, but they did. Anyhow, "counseling" consists, essentially, of me looking at the floor and crying while Rashel tells me nothing I haven't already heard before.

Rashel: "Do you have an outlet for your feelings? Journaling maybe?"
Lex: "No. Wait, I have a blog, does that count?"
Rashel: "Does anyone read that, or is it private?"
Lex: "Well, people can read it, but not many do."
Rashel: "You should keep that up, it might help to have a place to vent."
Lex: "Yeah..."

Rashel: "Is there a church or faith-based group that you can turn to for support?"
Lex: "I'm an Atheist."
Rashel: "Oh, right, you said that during intake. So, you don't believe in God?"
Lex: For fucks sake. "No, I don't." Glancing at her computer, I notice a copy of the Serenity Prayer taped to her screen.
Rashel: "That's ok."
Lex: "Yeah..."

Rashel: "Do you ever feel hopeless?"
Lex: Isn't that why I"m in therapy? "Yeah..."

Rashel: "Do you ever feel suicidal?"
Lex: "Yeah..."
Rashel: "Can you promise not to hurt yourself?"
Lex: "I take it day by day."
Rashel: "But do you promise you will call me first, if you get those thoughts?"
Lex: I"m sorry, who are you again? "Yeah..."

Rashel: "You seem really, really down."
Lex: Grabbing another tissue. "Yeah..."
Rashel: "I want you to see the on-call Psychiatrist. Will you wait?"
Lex: "Yeah..."

Psychiatrist: "I want to try some new medications for you. I want to double your anti-depressants... And I hear you're having trouble sleeping and nightmares?"
Lex: "Yeah..."
Psychiatrist: "Ok, I want you to start taking this sleeping medication too, ok?
Lex: "Yeah..."

After I left, I got into my car and began howling. I had a handful of tissues and must have looked like a complete loony bin. Especially to the herds of high-school kids that just got out of class and were filing past me.

Is therapy supposed to make you feel worse?

Laborious Day

2007-09-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe the weekend is almost over. Things went by fast, but I am absolutely exhausted, as if I spent the weekend moving or something. I would probably appreciate these three-day weekends more if I had a jobbie-job.

Anyhow, 15 randoms:

On Saturday, Step-Son and Fiance's Mom spent the night. It was awesome, but way too short. Step-Son was only here for about 24 hours. Just long enough to realize how much I miss him =(
When Step-Son left on Sunday, I started crying like a five year-old. Daughter held me tight and we cried together for awhile. That helps. I told Daughter not to worry, that I always cry when her brother leaves. But Daughter usually goes with Fiance to drop him off so Daughter never sees my wallowing. After learning I get all teary about it, Daughter swore she would stay with me every time her brother went home from now on. I tried to talk her out of this, but she insists. She's such a good kid.
My sister was supposed to move here next month. Now, she's not. This bums me out, for purely selfish reasons. Boo.
Speaking of Boo, we have a stray-cat (we call him Boo) that's been coming around non-stop. Daughter has been on me 24/7 to take this thing in, but we already have two cats and I'm not about to take on another financial responsibility. All I hear is how sad and lonely he is, and how badly he wants a home and people to love him. I'm not falling for it. It's bad enough that we give him water. We need to call a cat rescue to come get Boo, but someone told me they put cats to sleep at rescues (can anyone verify?) I thought they only did that at the pound? Because, if they are putting 'em down, they really shouldn't be allowed to call that a "rescue"...
Oh man, I want to see Super Bad. Super bad. I love that kid that played George Michael on Arrested Development.
I am so super-fucking sick of drama and negativity. Why do people fight the most with the very people they love the most?
I am sickly addicted to the FX show Damages.
Due to #15, it's been far too long since I got laid.
Far too long.
Daughter came home from school recently and told me, with urgency, that she needed to talk to me. It began with "I want to tell you something before you hear it from somebody else..." Oh God, I thought, this is going to suck. "Did you get in trouble at school?" I asked. "Not yet... but I might tomorrow." She was nervous. Turns out, some boy at school was calling Daughter and her friends mean names, including 'whore.' In retaliation, Daughter called him a "Man-Whore" and they all got sent to the Respect and Responsibility Room (in the old days, it would be detention. These days, they get all the kids together and try to work it out.) I had to try SO hard not to laugh my ass off about this. The little man-whore probably deserved that shit. Apparently, one of Daughter's friends told her that when a boy calls you a whore, you're supposed to call him a man-whore. I decided this is not the age to inform her that it's cool for boys to be whores.
Went to my new surgeon last Thursday. He's going on vacation for three weeks... He had absolutely no idea about my case, although I had been told he was briefed. I don't like him. He has a serious Russian accent. Sounds like the guy from Rocky IV. But that's not the reason I don't like him. (That last piece of info is for 'Busto's benefit ;)
My mom was here in mid-July. She got really sick. I thought she was faking, until everyone else in the apartment got sick within the next week. I still have a really bad cough. Throwing up blood. Gross. I'm thinking maybe my cold developed into Bronchitis. I read online that there's not much to do, just sit back and wait for it to pass.
My computer has been freaking out. Randomly closing the browser, hanging up for a long ass time... Hm. Wish I knew something about computers. Other than that they seem pretty complicated.
My kitchen smells like bacon, which no one has cooked here in a long time. (No kind of pork, for that matter - so what the hell is that?)
I'm super-tired. Probably due to #12.

That's pretty much all I can think of. My life is kinda boring lately.

You can find anything in clouds.

2007-08-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

We've been having pretty sunsets. Amazing, colorful, pollution-induced beauty. Night before last, the clouds were low - they were rainclouds - so they were darker than usual. They were floating through the sky in patches, and, although you couldn't see the moon directly, it was lighting up the clouds below and it made for some awesome sky-watching.

I saw this particular cloud formation that hypnotized me. Glowing so brightly. There was a question mark. A perfect question mark. Just off to the right, there was a girl. I knew she was a girl because she had really long hair. So, o.k., girl or 1980's hair band guy. I'm going with girl.

She wasn't stationary; she was moving. There was also what looked like a slight reflection of her image in the clouds beneath her. She was moving somehow, but I couldn't exactly tell where. She was either falling hard or running fast.

Wish I knew which.

Lamest Diet in the Land.

2007-08-24T14:39:00.001-07:00

Upon the advice of my grandmother (GRM), Loony Tunes Aunt and affiliated friends of the aforementioned - I have gone on a "gluten-free" diet. Doesn't that totally sound like something for obese elderly people? Anyhow, this consists of switching to soy and rice milk, and other milk-products have been replaced with soy alternatives. Plus I bought lame special cereal that tastes kinda mushy. I guess it's not that bad. And I actually really like soy and rice milk.

Biggest problem with this diet is that it is in conjunction with my 20-years of vegetarianism. I'm basically left eating soy, fruits and vegetables. Everyone says I should start eating some meat again. GRM told me to get over myself.

Here's the thing - I have no problem with the whole "killing animals for human needs" thing. I rock leather Maddens all the time, we beat the cows (and hence the right to eat them), and if there were a medication that would potentially cure my disease - I would hold the monkey down and drip shit in his eye myself. Of course, when I embarked on vegetarianism when I was 8, it was for all those idealistic reasons. But I evolved from that. Nowadays, I don't eat the meat cause it grosses me out. It's like the people on Fear Factor eating the bugs - they can't do it because it's so nasty to them. That's how I feel about all meat. Hate the texture, the look... ucko for days.

So, what to do, what to do. I've been doing the gluten free + vegetarian for about a week with no improvement. I've felt worse in the past few days than I have in weeks. But that could just be a down period. I have those. Good days and bad. So, even though I've been following the diet when I eat, I haven't really been able to eat much (of anything). I'm pretty much convinced this new diet won't work, but I'll catch hell from my grandmother if I don't try it. I think I need the surgery, "skinning" the inner lining of my abdominal wall and cutting off some nerves, to really help. I've been researching the procedure and it does sound like a better option than the hysterectomy (which, I'm told, only gives me a 50% shot at seeing any improvement.) The new operation has a better success rate, although it is a scarier and more complicated procedure.

*sigh* This is all taking SOOOooooo... long. I have an appointment with the new surgeon next week.

Advice on Advice

2007-08-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

I saw a Legal Recruiter today. Nice enough girl. I wore my standard interview skirt-suit. Recruiter Lady gave me some "tips" for my upcoming Thursday interview:

1) Earrings: No danglies. I was wearing light blue earrings that matched my suit and they hang about 1/2 inch from my ears. She told me to get studs, if I insist on wearing earrings.

2) Hair: I wore my hair down today, after putting it in rollers and getting some pimp wavy glory. She told me to wear it back in a tight, not loose, bun.

3) Suit: The suit I wore today is black, with small, barely noticeable, light blue pinstripes. Underneath the coat, I wore a light blue shell. She told me to wear an all black suit, with a simple white blouse underneath. Also told me to wear nylons, which I already knew. I simply was not about to wear them in 110 degree weather just to meet Recruiter Lady. She was lucky I even wore a suit. I seriously considered nice slacks with a blouse, sans coat.

4) Standard jewelry: Most disturbing tip received. Recruiter lady told me not to wear my engagement ring to interviews. "You can wear it after you get the job", she said in a transparent attempt to encourage my discomfort at this piece of advice. WTF: why would a potential candidate be faulted for being in a serious relationship?

I see the value of the nylons, that one's a given. I kinda see the value of the bun... the earrings threw me. Most of all, the whole "don't wear your engagement ring" thing threw me to a land far, far away.

What does anyone think about this? If you have tips on interview appearance, please, God please, someone share of your wisdom. Because after talking to Recruiter Lady, I am so totally lost.

~~ Freak Out ~~

Surgery Cancelled...

2007-08-13T18:34:00.000-07:00

... for a few weeks, at least =(

I was supposed to go under the knife tomorrow for a hysterectomy, due to ongoing illness that has lasted about two and a half years. My surgeon called me this morning, telling me about a conversation he had this weekend with a pelvic surgical specialist. Both doctors reviewed the operative reports from my last two surgeries, and determined that I need a different type of surgery. Rather than a hysterectomy, they want to do a pre-sacral neurectomy and a peritoneal resection ("skinning"). Basically, they are going to go in and "scrape out" the lining of my abdomen. This is the place where the scar tissue was found during my previous surgeries. And, apparently, the hysterectomy was only going to give me a 50% chance of full recovery - this procedure is supposed to have a higher success rate.

So, it's not all bad news. I'm a bit disappointed that I have to wait longer (my old surgeon, now my referring surgeon, told me 2 - 3 weeks. But I'm guessing it will take longer - since I need to go to Pre-Ops, an initial consultation with the surgeon, and get insurance approval since this is a different kind of surgery.) I also feel bad because Momma, Sister & Niece all came out to help me, and now it might be harder for them to come back when I actually have surgery.

On the plus side, this newer type of procedure will have a better chance of curing me, and will allow me to retain fertility for about a decade (after this surgery, I will still probably need the hysterectomy in about 10 years).

Sensing my agitation, my referring surgeon tried to reassure me. I told him that I would try to focus on the long-term. While I am very frustrated, I realize that my frustrations are short term concerns - I want to get surgery, whichever kind it is, out of the way A.S.A.P., get off these flippin medications, and get back to work (if I have to stay home much longer, I am going to go insane). However, I also realize that if this newer surgery is the better option, it's going to be better in the long run. So, I'm trying to focus on the long-term, but it's kinda hard when you're struggling to get through, day by day.

I realize this is not nearly as interesting as my more recent posts, but a lot of friends and family keep up with me here, and this is the quickest way to get the word out.

Honest asshole.

2007-08-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

Speaking of immigration, I was talking to a friend recently about American policies on work permits. Basically, my take is that anyone who wants to come here and try to work should be allowed to. Sign the papers, register with a picture, pay your taxes and come take your chance. Isn't that what America is supposed to be all about?

Friend: "Yeah, I agree. My main concern with illegal immigration is terrorism issues."

Lex: "That one is easy: if you have a turban on your head, you're getting the shit searched out of you."

Friend: Laughing. "Oh my God Lex, that's so un-P.C.!"

Lex: "I don't give a flying. I mean, sure, it sucks, but how many of the terrorists were Muslim?"

Friend: "Well, what about the extreme? Like kicking all Muslims out of your country? Isn't that what China did?"

Lex: Crap, is it? I should know this... "Yeah, that's a bit extreme, but giving up a bit of extra time at an airport or border isn't that much of a sacrifice, and searching all the Middle Eastern people just seems like good resource allocation. Randomly search everyone else and mandatorily search all terrorist look-a-likes. Sensible racial profiling. Like I said, they were all Muslim."

Friend: "What about the Australian terrorist?"

Lex: Never heard of the Australian terrorist. Feeling a bit dumb, but prepared to play it off. "Yeah, that guy and the American Taliban from Marin County. So, o.k., I'll evolve my thoughts here. You get mandatorily searched if you're 1) Muslim, 2)Australian, or 3) from Marin County. There's the answer."

Lex & Friend: Giggle.

I don't care if I sound racist, or insensitive, whatever. If you've got a burka, speak "fla-la-la-la-la", or carry a Koran, take one for the team and quit bitching. Black people had to deal for 200 years, and still do. No pity.

The What-If Game

2007-08-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

Sadie posted an interesting bit about an ethical dilemna regarding immigration issues. I'm interested what other people think. So, if I have any readers, take a gander and leave your thoughts on the matter.

Stupid girl.

2007-08-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that my brain is not working the way it should. I bet if I took an IQ test, I would score somewhere along the "Socially Retarded" line. I'm guessing I've dropped at least 45 points.

I was talking to CECU last night (yes, I answered the phone), and noticed that in the middle of conversation, I would forget the topic, let alone the many ways in which I disagreed with him. Don't get me wrong, CECU is too smart for his own good - I just like to take the other side of whatever he is arguing and be contrary. I blame this on law school. I was never an argumentative pride-fest before. Family members might disagree, but I stand by this assertion. Anyhow, I know things are bad when I can't even win a silly argument with CECU over the meaning of "delusional"...

So I wonder, why am I all dee-dee-dee? Is it the duffle bags of medication? Side effect of illness? Repercussions of a mind not challenged? (spell check informed me that I spelled repurcussions wrong. Grumble. I changed it. Spell check also says duffle is spelled wrong, but I don't think so, so I'm leaving it as is.)

It's really bugging me. If I were smarter, I would say it's really bothering me.

Word.

2007-08-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

Beauty of the Law.

2007-08-07T11:27:00.000-07:00

Having a history in employment law, this just made me crack up.

Hat Tip: Loony Tunes Aunt. I was gonna post the chicken-shit one, but that hits too close to home.

If only I would wake.

2007-08-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

I feel awful. I've felt awful for so long now. Part of me wants this over. Not going to do anything about it, but I keep wishing it. The idea of death seems sweet when you don't feel alive. But I don't have to make this mistake.

When I think of my father, almost all I remember is a sick man. I am so afraid that is what Daughter will have. Memories of a mother sick. In bed. Crying. I would rather be gone and have her remember a short time of happiness than to only remember me sick. Her voice is all I hear somehow.

Today the hospital called and said that my surgery has finally been authorized. Still not sure when it is, but I'm guessing early next week. Third surgery; they're gonna gut me. Uterus, gallbladder, appendix. Everything I don't technically "need." I hope this works. So badly I hope this works. I need this to work just to get by. And I don't have to stay this way.

I wanted more children. I always thought I might have a son. And another daughter... Three or four kids, that was what I wanted. I really knew that was what I wanted when I found out it would never be. What I do have is
Daughter and Step-Son. Amazing Step-Son, that I hardly see and whose life I have no control over the course of. Daughter is perfect. So perfect that I don't think I deserve her sometimes. My mother has four kids. Seems like a good number. My theory is that about 1/2 of your kids are gonna be different than you expected, or even hoped for. That ratio goes to me and my brother. My other brother and sister are the golden children. With all my eggs in one basket, I fear I'll pressure Daughter too much to be everything that I need, rather than who she wants to become. I could have lost myself in rough blue waters in her eyes.

Feeling philosophical lately. Thinking of all the possibilities. And the what-ifs. The maybes. I am in love with the maybes. A friend told me recently that anything is possible. I don't know if I believe that. Maybe things are only possible if you chase the possibility, catch it, cradle it, and make it yours. Maybe. But then what happens when things are out of your control? I don't know. I don't know what I believe anymore. I should know who I am by now.

I'll try to make it happen. While I wait.

"To a man born without a conscience, a soul-stricken man must seem ridiculous."

2007-08-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

I hope that's true. I want it to be, so I'll go with. For now.

Today is the day I moved away from Crapsville to begin classes at Berkeley in 1999. Eight years. In some ways it feels like I've come full circle, moving back to another desert and being back in a difficult situation. Hm.

Waiting for a surgery, I've been reading a lot of Steinbeck lately. I'm halfway through The Red Pony and the book makes me a bit sad. First I lost Gabilan and then Galvino rode off into the mountains...

Junius Maltby is amazing. My brother told me to read this short story years ago, and I only just got to it. It is also sad to me how people's ideas on life can be damaged by society.

I'm halfway through The Wayward Bus. Not so into it...

East of Eden might be my most favorite book ever. If I could have more children and had a little girl, I think I'd like to name her Abra.

If I had a library card or ten bucks to spare, I'd pick up a copy of Grapes of Wrath. Never read it.

So Today I Went to This Interview...

2007-07-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

... and I met a few attorneys at BigLaw. Most of these meetings went extremely well. But one thing has me very concerned. One of the Partners I met kept asking and talking (more so the talking) about Old Boss. Basically, he hates Old Boss. No surprise. Most defense attorneys hate Old Boss. But he went on and on about it, gossiping about Old Boss. It made me uncomfortable. He asked me direct questions about how I felt about Old Boss. I tried to be kind and evasive:

Lex: "Old Boss is a smart man; a great attorney. He's really nice, but we did have professional differences.He'svery hands-on, which works for him, but I knew I would see little opportunity for development."

Interviewer: More bad things about Old Boss.

Lex: More uncomfortable. Tried to change the conversation a few times, but inevitably it landed in the same spot.

I dunno what to think. I will admit that I laughed at a couple of good burns that he directed at Old Boss. But what was the motivation? Was I being tested to see if I'm gossipy? Was Interviewer feeling me out to determine why I want to do defense after doing plaintiffs work for so long? Did he want to ensure I don't like Old Boss? Was he searching for a vendetta that might drive me? A vendetta that demonstrates unprofessional levels of emotion? Was he simply venting? Was my inability to stop said vent my undoing? I have no idea. It's strange.

Lets hope tomorrow's interview goes smoother. I know an attorney at this firm and told him that I interviewed somewhere else - so, if they really want me, they better get on the ball. Partner called me the next day, told me they needed someone with my experience, and scheduled me for an all-day, meet-everyone, free-lunch, interview. Sweet.

Wish me luck.

The Return of Sadie Grey: Part IV

2007-07-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

She's back! Again.

Many times Sadie has up and left me with no forewarning (this week marks her fourth return). Seems she's always leaving my heart in shattered little pieces for her snakes to eat. I told her I would never let her break my heart again, but when she came back, I couldn't say no.

So go see her and tell her to stop abandoning me. If she doesn't stay this time, I'm finished. I'll let her be gone for good. Well, maybe. Probably not. But I'm going to try sticking to tough love from here on out.

Until then, go see what Sadie is up to.

S.O.S.

2007-07-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

Have an interview at BigLaw Friday. I'm excited, but nervous. I want this job so frickin' bad!!!

Anyhow, I want to go on Stalker Status with some of the partners I'm meeting with. In an ideal world, I would like to read some of their recent cases. I want to WestLaw/ LameLexis them, but have no access...

Which brings me to my request:

- Anybody know how to find cases (by searching the attorney) online, for free?

- Anybody ballsy enough to do a search for me and pass along some cases?

Any and all help would be appreciated. Email me at exactapproximations@gmail.com if you can help or are kind enough to throw me a pep-speech.

Wish me luck!!!

Turkelton's Words of Wisdom

2007-07-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Can't talk now, good things happenin" - Chris Turk

Finally.

Surgery was approved. I go under the knife to get my womanhood removed. Probably on the 23d or 24th.

BigLaw called. I'm scheduled to meet with a buncha partners and associates next week. Biggest concern BigLaw has is a lack of experience. I haven't done many depositions and the Old Boss never let me do oral argument. Any advice on how to handle this hurdle is greatly appreciated. Especially those of you at BigLaw. Anything you've got on what BigLaw wants to hear/ see/ anything would be a big help.

Got some food stamps. Sweet. Now we can eat. Yee-haw!

Mom is still here. That's always a good thing. Mommys help. Good ones do.

Daughter came home yesterday!!! I almost cried I was so happy to see her. She was gone for five weeks. Longest we've ever been separated.

Step-Son is coming today!!!! I haven't seen him since April. When both of the kids are here, I'm the happiest I can be. Today and tomorrow are going to be awesome.

I really want to thank all of you who are still reading and left kind words of support. That really did me good. It's amazing how people you don't even really know can be there for you. That's been the best part of the blogosphere. I'm interested in those who commented. Long time lurkers I've never heard of.

"Make Mine a Triple": I inserted lots of fun obscenities. That was a great exercise in making fun of Old Boss. You'll be on the blogroll soon.

Busto: Here's to taking it to the next level. We exchanged "real names" recently. I have a MySpace under my real name if you want to be my friend.

Sarah: Word on the vacation. I've had a ton of time off of work, but none of it for fun. I really want to go to Disneyland. Or Africa. That would be awesome.

Nony "This to Shall Pass": You're right. I"m finally starting to see that things have to get better. Now I'm wondering where you went to school and if I know you. I'm a Boaltie - graduated in Spring 2005. If you did too, or went to my school, email me your name. I want to look you up in the facebook. Please keep lurking - I'm an attention whore.

Special thanks out to Sadie and Uncle Reptile. I know I stayed in my room, but it helped knowing you guys were there and care so much.

To the family: I don't think I'll be ready to talk about all this until after surgery when I can see the light. I love you all and hope you understand my contact delay.

"Sometimes I watch Roots to remind myself how good I have it." - Chris Turk.

Not to Be Anti-Immigrant / Rascist...

2007-07-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

...But I'm about to look like it anyway.

Went by the bus stop today. Nothing but pregnant Hispanic chicks. And their crying babies.

Went to the welfare office today. Nothing but pregnant Hispanic chicks. And their crying babies.

Went to the free women's health clinic today. Nothing but pregnant Hispanic chicks. And their crying babies.

So, all in all, I spent the day with a bunch of pregnant Hispanic chicks. And their crying babies.

On the opposite end of the spectrum - there was not one Hispanic anything chick in the Psychiatric Hospital. Or their crying babies. All white folk.

What does it all mean?

Es Weird

2007-07-09T23:04:00.001-07:00

Blogger is only letting me put titles in on Edit Html mode. Not cool, I'm no html girl. Unfortunately.

BigLaw called today. I made it past Stage One and will be going in for a second interview. Is nice.

More importantly, I discovered Joshua Radin. I might be at the late show on this one. I care not.

Tomorrow morning, I'm off to the welfare office to try to score some food stamps. Then I go to the county hospital's "Women's Health Clinic" to see about a surgery. All around good times.

Law degree so paying off.

2007-07-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... it won't let me put in a title... WTF?

Sorry for the long absence... i haven't exactly been inspired.

I lost my job in May. I was hospitalized and The Boss fired me for being sick. About a year ago, when he fired Bitchy Paralegal for being sick, I told The Boss we needed to research and make sure he wasn't violating FMLA or the ADA. Armed with the knowledge that he doesn't have enough employees to be liable - I got shit-canned. One week later, word came that Bitchy Paralegal died. She was young.

Anyhow, on top of that, looks like I need another surgery. This should be the last one, a hysterectomy. I dreamt last night that I had a baby - a little girl. She was beautiful. That will never happen now.

I spent July 4th in a Psychiatric Hospital. Dude, people in there are fucking crazy. I never felt so sane in my life, even though I was in there with them. Long story short, short-sighted Lex was considering euthanizing herself. Honestly my friends, I don't know how much longer I can handle being sick. Life just isn't life like this.

So I scared the shit out of everyone and embarrassed myself severely. I'm a wreck. My mind is a disaster and I can't stay out of it. Fiance' has done everything - he loves me so much - but I suppose that's his misfortune. Right now anyhow. My mom also flew in and I got to lay my head in her chest and cry and cry for the first time in years.

I interviewed with BigLaw last week. We shall see.

I'll try to post more often. I'm back only because my grandmother, the Grand Republican Matriarch, told me she thinks I should keep writing. She's probably right, it does help.

Attorney Advertising: Part II

2007-05-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

Check it:

It's causing quite a stir. But I think the shit is comedy. The firm that placed it was later required to take it down (permit issues) - but they said that they saw a significant increase in potential new clients as a result of the ad.

E.P.T. = Embarrassing Purchase Tale

2007-05-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

During my lunch break, I went to my local drugstore to purchase a pregnancy test. [Boys - Caution - Girl Stuff Coming]. My period hasn't started, I've been incredibly nauseous, and my boobs are swollen. Not all bad. But I finally got worried enough to wonder whether I was maybe knocked up. The idea seemed outlandish at first - I've been told by plenty of doctors that I probably cannot have more children. A week passed and still no period. It should have come by now. And there were those two days in a row last month that I forgot to take my pill, and even though we used condoms for a few days like you're supposed to, there were other, non-condom escapades... Plus, Fiance' and I have a lot of sex, so the chances of me getting sperminated while ovulating are decent (save for the whole "I'm supposed to be infertile" thing). Anyhow, today was the day I decided that I needed to make sure one way or the other. So I go to the drugstore, grab the box, and walk to the counter to purchase the only item I retrieved.

The cashier engaged me:

Cashier: Looks down at my purchase as he scans it. Beep. "Quite a day huh?" Glance at my face searches for a reaction.
Lex: Oh My God, he is talking about my pregnancy test! "Yup." Big smile.
Cashier: "So, you're hoping for a positive result?" He's genuinely curious. Why?
Lex: Oh My God, how can he ask me that!!! "Yeah." Embarrassed girlie smile.
Cashier: "Do you want a boy or a girl?"
Lex: Can't believe I'm having this conversation. "Doesn't matter, so long as the baby is healthy."
Cashier: Smile. "That's what counts."
Lex: "Sure is."
Cashier: "Well, good luck. Here's your receipt."
Lex: What, am I going to return the test if I don't get the result I want? "Thanks." Walks out quickly.

The thing is, I wasn't buying the test "hoping" I am pregnant. I was scared. All I could think about was what I would do, how Fiance' would feel, how Daughter would react. Will I keep the baby? I've always said I am pro-choice but could never have an abortion myself. But I've talked about doing it if I became pregnant by accident. Especially at this point in my life, when I'm poor, trying to get healthy, wishing I were established in my career, and so on. On the other hand, I love being a mom, and they all said I can't have another baby, so if I am pregnant, shouldn't I keep the baby because I might not ever have this chance again? Would it be like "a sign." Nah, I don't believe in signs. Point is, I wasn't buying the test with the hope it would give me a "+" for pregnancy. But I pretended like I did to Cashier Guy, because I didn't want him to judge me. I didn't want this random stranger to think I was some whore who got knocked up, probably to get some guy to stay with me or to milk someone for child support. I didn't want him to think bad of me, so I lied and pretended I was ecstatic at the possibility.

I got to work and immediately went to the restroom and peed on the stick.

Negative.

Attorney Advertising

2007-04-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

I was perusing the net today, looking for a quick answer to a legal question unrelated to our practice. I found this legal website, which has the following written into the "FAQs" potion of the page:

"If an "accident" is truly "an Act of God", while your own car insurance might pay for some of the damage, you can't try to go after God -- no one has ever been able to bring God into court."

Really!?! No one?

Dammit. That guy was a potential deep-pocket Defendant in a case we were considering. Guess that's gonna be a decline.

Idiots.

Guilt

2007-04-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

Front Secretary was away at lunch when I heard the door open. I walked to the front to see if there was a delivery or something, since we're not expecting any clients or runners right now. At the door was (I would later learn), Benefit Guy - our firm's liason with the insurance carrier that covers the employees. We were talking about real estate and I mentioned that I was a renter. Benefit Guy said there is no reason for me to be a renter anymore. I responded that I had a ton of debt - school, medical, family loans... At this point, Benefit Guy pulled me aside and told me that the firm's premium had increased significantly this year, due to the number of claims made by member's of the group's plan in 2006. Those were my claims. He wasn't a jerk about it or anything, but he didn't need to be. His reaction is not the one that worries me.

The Boss is so not going to be happy, especially since I'm getting sick again. It's been back for a few weeks, I just wasn't ready to tell yet. It was nice to be in "everything's ok again" land for a little while. I'm not handling the recurrence so well.

=(

Bum Precedent and The Boss' Ego

2007-04-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

This week, we found two recent State Supreme Court cases that suck. Sucks for Plaintiffs. Sucks for Plaintiffs' Attorneys. And sucks for Jurisdictional Jollyness everywhere. Basically, the precedent allows certain entities to get out of cases fairly easily by getting them kicked out of court for lack of jurisdiction on bullshit technicalities. The Boss was SO not happy about it.

He gave me his "why this is bad" diatribe.
Then he cursed the State Supreme Court.
Then he said, "I'm not going to ride bikes with [Justice] anymore."
Then Lex said: "Really, you're going to drop names at a time like this?"

He is such an egomaniac.

Life is Better Betrothed

2007-04-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Upgrade: Boyfriend, hereinafter Fiance.

The most amazing eyes I have ever seen: green rims surround bright yellow bands that contrast starkly against the black pupils they encapsulate. The yellow glows golden when he fills with emotion. Sitting outside, I was chatting about needing to call Step-Dad to wish him Happy Birthday.

"When I call, you can ask Step-Dad if he'll let you get engaged to me." I joked.
"How about you get engaged to me and then call him?" Smiled cutely.
"That doesn't make sense dork." I didn't pick up on the hint. "I have to call today - while it's still his birthday."
"Well." He glanced down nervously. "It's just that I can't wait anymore."

Tilting his face towards me, the golden in his eyes glowed brighter tonight than I have ever seen. He fought to hold back a faint mist of tears as he began to speak. Everything I ever imagined he might say at this moment was strung together in short, poetic sentences. Staring straight into my soul, he wished for forever with me, if I'd have him. Life washed over me and I buried my head into his chest. Memories. So many times I imagined this moment. Countless times I pretended that he had asked me to marry him. Practiced my acceptance in my mirror. Daydreamed about wedding details. Mind-designed my dress. Worked my new last name into my signature. Since I was 14, I have wished more times than I can remember that someday this boy might be my husband. And today, here I was, hearing this man asking me to be his wife. I smiled and cried whispers.

"Is that a yes?" He held out the ring.
"Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course. Yes, My Love. Yes." He slid it onto my finger.

I ran inside and told Daughter.

Performance Review

2007-03-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

I just got the transcript from my very first deposition. I immediately did an intense read of the entire thing. Marked up all of my self-determined mistakes. During the second read, I marked the deposition for actual testimonial content. As though witness testimony matters or something.

I found 17 spots where I messed up. Mostly places where I could have made an objection or jumped in and coached without getting into trouble. Of the 17 mistakes, 2 were egregious: 1) I told my client to slow down and not be nervous, implying that she was nervous; and 2) I made a stupid psychology comment in the context of a "vague as to time" objection. Basically, my client was asked howPlaintiff would behave when angry. I asked during what time period, because perceptions of how a person expresses anger can vary depending upon the perceiver's age. Dee-dee-dee. Why didn't I just tell her that my witness saw Plaintiff express anger ten different kinds of ways...? Grumble.

On the plus side, my review led to giving myself 1 Gold Star. For not objecting. At the time, I remember thinking "gee, there is no foundation, this assumes facts not in evidence... But I'll just shut up anyhow soas not to tip Defense Counsel off." I said nothing. The question was phrased in such a way that my client could answer honestly, yet, had Defense Counsel followed up, unpleasant testimony might have come out. Fortunately, I held my tongue, said nothing, didn't tip Defense Counsel off and we all moved forward.

Sigh: 17 Outs to 1 Safe. Lexie not happy.

Networking with the Right People.

2007-03-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

This week, we have computer geeks coming in to pitch us their plan for our all-over system upgrade. Today's presentation was brought to us by Bob, computer dork extraordinaire. He totally dug me. It was so obvious.

Republican Paralegal and I were in the conference room getting the low down from Bob, when Republican Paralegal left to go get The Boss. Bob and I sat alone and he started asking about where I went to school, what kind of law we do. I kindly answered all of his questions, pretending to be super-engaged, asking him the same questions back. After the small talk, we got down to brass tacks:

Lex: "So, Bob. If we get all this new stuff you've written out here, will that allow people to track the internet activity of each individual's work stations?"
Bob: "Well, that would take extra programs..."
Lex: "I'm just wondering if it's part of what you're pitching."
Bob: Grinning. "No, that would take some more. Currently, and even if we installed this new stuff, a person would have to physically go in and view your history."
Lex: "Yeah, that gets deleted all the time."
Bob: "Cookies and everything?"
Lex: Aaaaahhh.... he's worried about me. "Yeah."
Bob: "You're fine. [The Boss] doesn't currently have any other way of knowing what you're up too."
Lex: "Oh no, not me...."
Bob: "Sure thing." Wink.
Lex: Grinning. "Do me a favor, if you install anything like that, just come by my office and let me know. I would be super-interested in understanding how such technology works." Eyelash bat.
Bob: "I'll be more than happy to. I won't tell anyone." Puts up his pinky finer like we're going to swear on it or something. More smiles.
Lex: "That would be awesome. And I'll push for your company to get the job. Deal?"
Bob: "Deal."
~ Enter Republican Paralegal sans The Boss ~
Lex: "Bob..." Hand outstretched. "It was very nice to meet you. Hope to see you again."
Bob: "You too Lex."
Lex: Off to blog about Bob.

Morning Talk

2007-03-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

At work this morning, Republican Paralegal, Office Manager and I were talking:

Republican Paralegal: "I was at church last night, running the youth activity, and the kids were having so much fun. Our church is renovating the informational desk..."
Lex: Interrupting. "Your church has an informational desk?" That's weird, wouldn't a church Informational Desk consist of a table with a Bible on it?
Republican Paralegal: Annoyed. "Yeah, it does. Anyhow, we let the kids tear some of the old stuff down, and one little girl hit another little girl with a sledgehammer."
Office Manager: "Oh my gosh, was she ok?"
Lex: Less interested in the health update. "That's what they get for destroying the House of God."
Republican Paralegal: "Geez Lex..." Turns to Office Manager. "Yes, she's fine. Her mom came to pick her up and take her home, and she started crying because she didn't want to leave."

Phone rings. Call for Lex. Conversation with Client. Client ends call with "God Bless You."

Lex: Walks back into hallway and asks Office Manager and Republican Paralegal: "How do you respond when you're an Atheist and someone says God Bless You, without being rude?"
Republican Paralegal: "Just say thank you."
Lex: "Okay, so no trying to convert them huh?"
Office Manager: "You're an Atheist?"
Lex: "You didn't know?"
Office Manager: "I didn't."
Lex: "Yeah, it's no secret. Haven't you seen my screensaver? It's a picture of a dinosaur and it says 'never forget.'"
Office Manager: "No, I've never seen it.
Lex: "Yeah, I'm not down with God. I think religion is a mild form of socially-induced schizophrenia." Waved my hands in the air like a crazy person. "Ooooohhh no, there's a Big Man in the sky watching everything I do and he knows all my thoughts."
Republican Paralegal: Shocked.
Office Manager: Shocked. "Social schizophrenia huh..."
Lex: "Yeah, totally." Walk back into my office, ready for the day's work.

Funny Depo Quotations

2007-03-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a deposition of a treating doctor in one of our cases. Asking him some background questions, he stated that he had given a deposition in a previous case - not as a defendant - but as a treating doctor involved in the plaintiff's care after the "injury." When questioned about how he fitted in, the doctor replied:

"The patient attempted suicide. She was taken to another facility and resuscitated. During the resuscitation, the patient swallowed one of the medical devices, a nasal trumpet. Then, she had subsequent problems."

So the lady tried to kill herself, failed, and swallowed the orange nose piece we've all seen at the dentist (you know, the one that gives you the happy air--laughing gas). Then the lady has the balls to sue the people that kept her alive because her dumbass swallowed a big orange thing.

Question: What would be the measure of damages for a person who had self-determined to end their life? I mean, how can you argue future damages and lost earnings? How can you argue pain and suffering? How could your family argue loss of love and affection if they were going to have to deal with your death anyhow?

I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever take such a case.

Dee-dee-dee.

Dear Miss Manners,

2007-03-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Fuck off. Get bent. Send your germaphobe followers to Formula 409 land.

Best, Lex Fori.

I was in a bathroom stall today with a chatty woman and her chatty friend:

Chatty Woman: "Oh my God, I was like, totally in here yesterday, and this lady came out, and she seriously didn't even wash her hands. I was like, soooo grossed out."
Chatty Woman's Friend: "Ewww... That is gross."
Chatty Woman: "I know, totally" High voice. "Isn't it?"
Toilet: Flush.
Lex: Walks out of the stall, passes sinks, and intentionally brushed myself against the stupid broad. "Oops, excuse me. I'm so totally sorry." Leaves the bathroom, all germy n stuff.

Reporting In.

2007-03-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Oh man, the deposition was Awesome!!! The Boss left me to do it alone. I was scared, but tried to hide it beneath all my green. About five minutes in, I realized I had yet to make an objection. So I just started throwing those fuckers out every 5-7 questions, just to screw with his tempo. Wasn't even quite sure why I was objecting most times - I just went with "If it sounds wrong, object." I really should have taken some moot court or trial practice courses. Who knew I'd end up a civil litigator? In any event, it got to the point where he'd ask a question, and then look at me for my response. Awesome. I totally heard the Star Wars music.

Anyhow, I was slightly insulted today when a fellow attorney failed to notice the level I'm playing at. Elevator talk, as always, can clear up confusions regarding the assumptions we make about people.

BigLaw Lady: "Where's your stuff?"
Lex: "Huh?"
BigLaw Lady: "You leave it upstairs?"
Lex: "Leave what upstairs?"
BigLaw Lady: "Aren't you a court reporter? I always see you around and thought you were a reporter."
Lex: Laughing. More Star Wars music. "No, I'm a lawyer." It feels good to be able to say that finally.
BigLaw Lady: "Really? You work for [The Boss]?"
Lex: Dee-dee-dee. There's only two firms on this floor. "Yup."
BigLaw Lady: "What kind of work do you do?"
Lex: Ambulance chasing. You know damn well what we do. "Ah, you know, personal injury, wrongful death. Mostly catastrophic damages type stuff."
BigLaw Lady: "Oh, I'm surprised we haven't..."
Lex: "Seen eachother across the table? I'm sure the day will come. Look forward to it."
BigLaw Lady: Awkward smile. "Me too."

Yeah, see you then lady. I'll kick your ass. Well, The Boss will kick your ass, but I'll be spottin'.

Paying the Price of Getting Paid.

2007-02-21T16:23:00.001-07:00

Officer Manager just left my office. The Boss left the office two hours ago.

Apparently, The Boss learned sometime within the last hour via telephone that he may be able to meet with a potential HotShot at the end of the week. Unfortunately, that meeting conflicts with depositions we have scheduled throughout the entire day.

The Boss really, really, really wants to meet this person. So, during the phone call, he tells Office Manager "That's O.k., we'll just have Lex do the depositions."

Huh? What?! Holy can of Copenhagen!!!

I've never done a deposition. I've never practiced a deposition. I haven't read up on the ins and outs of depositions and am not sure of the proper grounds for objection during said deposition. And all of my green newbie mistakes will be typed up by a Court Reporter who will be able to swear to my idiocy. Fuck. I am totally scared.

More importantly, I am totally excited!!!

By the by, raise talks worked out. The Boss hooked Lex up.

Delays

2007-02-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posting.

Things have been crazy busy lately.

Congrats to Sadie on the new jobby-job!!

I'm still around, just haven't had time to post.

Haven't even called my mother (I love you mom!!)

Man, has anyone ever seen Nony's as stupid as those over at Frisco Wanderer? Hats off to CECU for dealing with such dumbassedness. And I thought my Nonys were on the socially retarded portion of the IQ spectrum...

The Boss Audits Lex, And I Don't Care

2007-01-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

I gave my salary "proposal" to The Boss. In (very, very ) summarized fashion - it went something like this:

Lex: Speech about all he has done for me and how terrible I feel asking for a raise. "I need a ridiculous amount of money."
The Boss: Gets Lex to give him the bottom line salary. The Boss says "No" approximately six times.
**An hour of conversation follows, where I am questioned re: my desire to be a trial attorney, in our field, at his firm, for a good, solid, loyal, long-time, working my little blonde ass off BigLaw style. I do not make any comment about how Office Manager makes 85k+, and newly employed Republican Paralegal makes 72K - I've been sworn to secrecy on that information and, although it would be nice to mention that I'm the only other attorney in the office and, yet, make the lowest salary, I forego that argument as I also have loyalty to my co-workers who made me promise not to mention their salaries.**
Lex: Kisses mad ass, again showering The Boss with gratitude for all he has done, apologizing for asking for so much, and thanking him for giving me a job I am proud of with clients I care about. I really mean all I am saying. "I wouldn't ask for this much if I didn't need it."

I briefly show The Boss a spreadsheet of my projected income needs. The Boss questions why I went about renegotiation by coming in, telling him I had an amount I absolutely have to make. Said it came off like an insulting ultimatum. The Boss thought I should have come to him, told him my situation, seen how much he would be willing to bump my salary, and attempt to figure out the rest by asking for advances or something. At the end of the hour and a half long talk - he returned to the loyalty issue. I said:

Lex: "Listen, I know I could have come in here, done the back and forth and got the most I could out of you, then looked for another job behind your back. But to me, part of loyalty is honesty, and if I'm going to have to look for another position, you deserve the opportunity to start looking for a new associate. I didn't want to find a new job and then bail on you with two weeks notice. And I realize I might not find someone else to pay me what I need. I realize it could take months. I know that being up front could kill me in the end, because you could fire me and I'll be up the creek. I know this might not be the best strategy for me personally, but I didn't want to lie to you. For all you have done for me, you deserve better than that. "
The Boss: Stunned perhaps? "I understand that, that makes sense. I can appreciate that."

This all happened Wednesday. The Boss was out of the office getting CLE credits on Thursday. On Friday, The Boss enters my office, closes the door and says:

The Boss: "Normally, I wouldn't do this, because it's none of my business. But I need a better idea of where your costs are coming from. You said you have a spreadsheet?"

This time, I give The Boss a copy of the spreadsheet. The Boss looks at the spreadsheet. He asks for documentation of certain elements. He wants to know what the total balances on my student loan and credit card debt consolidation accounts are. The Boss wants to know the interest rates on these accounts. I have no idea why he wants this info. Is he going to cough up for the balance of some of the higher interest accounts, and then let me pay him back over time? Is he just making sure I'm not bullshitting when I say I need 85k from a solo-practitioner Plaintiff's attorney?

Who knows. I'll gather the information he wants. Hopefully he will give me an answer before I give myself an ulcer. For all I know, The Boss will walk into my office tomorrow, and tell me "You're fired, arrogant bitch." But he may try to make it work somehow. I don't know.

And today, I don't care. I'm on top of the world.

Step-Son is coming. Boyfriend and Daughter left to go pick him up about an hour ago. He will be here for a week. A whole week. It's so much more than we ever expected when we made a visitation agreement with Boyfriend's Baby Mama (BBM). But she randomly said we could have him for a week and she didn't back out. Step-Son is coming. He is, literally, on his way here RIGHT NOW. In just a few minutes, I get to pick him up and hug him and love him and play Thomas the Tank Engine with him. Tonight, I get to give him a bath for the first time and watch him sleep. I've never seen Step-Son sleep.

I might lose my job.
I might have to work at BigLaw to get by.
I might find myself unemployed and freaking the fuck out.

But this week I don't care. Nothing can make me sad.

Step-Son is coming!!!!!!!

When I have my family, I get that feeling. The way I want to always feel. That calm happiness of being with the people you love more than anything.

I'm so happy.

I Don't Know How to Say

2007-01-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

I told The Boss my bar number on Tuesday. He still has not said anything about renegotiating my salary.

I did the math and figured I need about 61k/year to get by (after taxes). Using my rudimentary math skills, I determined that I need about 80k/annually. I feel this is pretty high.

I dunno how to go about this.

Please help.

Where is the Love?

2007-01-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

I called the bar and got my bar number. Been told I am officially allowed to practice. Finally.

I immediately sent out a firm-wide email telling everyone - and relaying my newly assigned number.

Republican Paralegal and Front Secretary immediately congratulated me. Office Manager said not one word. She's been treating me weird lately. Kinda bitchy. The Boss is out, so he doesn't know yet. But, WTF with Office Manager?

And When That Day Comes

2007-01-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't received a letter yet, but if you type my name into the State Bar's website - my status is officially "active" !!! My admission date is listed and everything.

I think this means I'm a lawyer now.

Holy shit.

I fooled them all.

If I Believed in karma, it really is a bitch

2007-01-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

After work yesterday, I stopped at a liquor store to fill the tank and buy bulk 5-packs of cigarettes.(reason for bulk purchase non-disclosable). Anyhow, I pulled in, swiped my debit card, put the pump in my car and let it fill up.

I walked into the liquor store and asked for five packs of cigarettes:

Cashier: "Five packs?" Seemed genuinely surprised, which kinda surprised me. Five packs doesn't seem like that many.
Lex: "Yes, five packs."
Cashier: Squinches face, cocks head slightly to the right. "Five packs?"
Lex: Dude. Seriously? I decided to make up a reason because this guy seemed so darned interested in knowing my motivations. "I have a friend with lung cancer. She has five tumors, and I'm buying her a pack for each one. It's a joke." Hearty laugh.
Cashier: Look of sheer horror.
Lex: Internal monologue: Damn Lex, you are such an insensitve asshole sometimes. That's probably too crude of a joke. What if that guy knows someone with lung cancer? Embarrassment.

I hurried out of the store with my five packs and hopped in the car. Driving off, I felt a tug and heard a thump. I was completely oblivious to the fact that I had failed to remove and replace the gas pump. And, of course, the place was packed. Everyone was looking at me like I was a complete idiot. I hit reverse, went back to the pump, parked my car, got out, and hung the pump back up. Embarrassment times three.

I thought doing something that stupid only happened in movies. The only good thing coming out of this is that I now can brag that I pulled a Garden State.

Good News

2007-01-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

Best wishes and congratulations to Arbusto and Brooklyn, who recently became engaged. Now Arbusto can safely assume that he will always have a warm sweater on hand when it gets cold outside. No frostbite in that relationship.

Seriously you two, Congrats!

Another One Bites the Dust

2007-01-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

Welp folks, it's time to say farewell to The Attractive Nuisance. I was bummed yesterday when I tried to check her blog and got the "no blog here" page. She has since posted an explanation. Apparently, her identity was potentially found out and she shut down in an effort to proactively save her own ass. Smart girl.

But she'll be sorely missed. That blog was really, really good, AN

And a Happy New Year

2007-01-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

Quite the holiday weekend.

On Saturday, Boyfriend turned 30. Handled this far better than I will.

Not one to take the day off from household duties, Boyfriend went and checked the mail. He returned with my letter from the Committee on Character and Fitness. I have (FINALLY) been recommended for admission to practice law in this friggin state. The letter made no mention of probation. Awesome. I should be an official lawyer in approximately two weeks.

Brother Electrician (not really a helpful name, because both brothers are electricians) randomly spent half the weekend at my house. This was an amazing thing, as Brother Electrician and Boyfriend have never been the best of friends. Nevertheless, the two put aside their differences and laughed and hung out. This made Lex very, very, very happy. I really want my family to get along.

Finally, and most exciting, Boyfriend's Baby Mama (BBM), randomly said she would like for Step-Son to stay with us for awhile (I think a week or two), so she can do whatever it is she needs to do. If she follows through, it will be a huge departure from the amount of time she has to legally give us with Step-Son. And perhaps a step towards more friendly and positive co-parenting between Boyfriend and BBM? (hope springs eternal). BBM has dangled such hope in front of us before though, only to rip it away without any concern for the pain it causes. Boyfriend is trying not to get his hopes up too high because he knows BBM is likely to change her mind. I know I should do the same, but I can't help but want it so badly. I'll be crushed if BBM takes this away.

I went to sleep at 10:00 New Year's Eve. I'm not one to celebrate the New Year. I haven't in a long time. Nevertheless, the year appears to be getting started in good form. Far better than last year for sure.

A few concerns (related to bar admission):
- I jumped up and down into the office with my letter this morning. I told Office Manager that I planned to ask The Boss to pay my admission fees (about $400). As I understand, that's standard practice. Office Manager gave me a strange look that made me feel she disapproved. She's been treating me sort of weird lately. Not talking to me much.
- I'm not quite sure how to go about renegotiation. I need a pretty substantial raise, but I've been out a lot sick, failed the bar once, had The Boss go on to pay for BarBri, give me 2 day weeks for 6 weeks to study, and then The Boss gave me a moving stipend in July. I don't feel right asking for more money. I wish I could work at my same salary for awhile and "show" him what I can do. But I don't have time, I've got bill collectors hounding me. I've worked for him for a year and a half at 48k and I want him to pay me somewhere around 75-85k, if not more... How do I go about getting him to do this without coming off as an arrogant asshole? The bottom line is that if he won't raise me high enough, I will be forced to seek employment at a higher paying firm. I don't want to do that, I want to stay here. The Boss has done a lot for me and been loyal. It's a favor I'd like to return. But I've got this nasty habit of wanting to keep my family fed. Please - any and all advice on how I should go about this whole raise thing will be most gratefully accepted.

UPDATE: I found this website which lists starting salaries for first year associates at some BigLaw firms in my area. They are higher than I thought. Still, keep in mind that I work for a solo practitioner that does Plaintiffs work. (Although he is admittedly ridiculously successful).

So.... what's a fair asking range folks?

Irony and Hypocrisy

2006-12-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

1999: Lex begins reading about firearms and becomes staunchly anti-gun.

2005: Lex and Sadie become friends. Lex pontificates endlessly on ills of gun ownership. Sadie disagrees and shoots quails.

Intermittently since: Mini-discussions and side-arguments regarding gun control come up between Lex, Sadie and Sadie's Boyfriend, Ford Prefect. Nobody is able to convince the other to switch their position.

05/12/06: Ford makes the statement that "If guns kill people, then I can blame misspelled words on my pencil." Comment war regarding gun control ensues on this blog.

11/14/06: Lex's Uncle, CECU, states his belief that there is a fundamental right to gun ownership. Comment war regarding gun ownership ensues on his blog.

12/17/06: Lex and Boyfriend purchase Christmas gifts for Sadie and Ford.

12/19/06: Sadie posts about her birthday. Lex comments, asking Sadie what she got. Sadie responds that Ford got her girly stuff, as requested, because Sadie "got too many guns and shit last year."

12/20/06: Lex and Boyfriend exchange gifts with Sadie and Ford. Lex and Boyfriend give Sadie and Ford paintball GUNS.

Thereafter: Lex is an official hypocrite. But continues to be excited over the possibility that Sadie and Ford's paintball gun-ownership may lead to some pretty entertaining stories.

Lately My Whole Aim is to Maintain

2006-12-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have been suffering from acute anxiety over the past few weeks. This involves waking up in the dead of the night in sweats, loss of the ability to focus and constant knots in the pit of my stomach. I'm living in a constant state of fear of things I can't control. Every morning I wake up and think to myself that this might be the day that my world will explode. It's to the point where the only time I feel even minimally calm is in the moments before I fall asleep, because I know that, for at least a few hours, my mind will be somewhere else and I won't be freaking out about my life.

I have been trying to keep this to myself. I recently regained my health and passed the bar. So I wanted to project the image that I am recovered and on my way up. I'm sick of hearing about my life issues, and am betting everyone else is too. What happened was, once I got healthy, I had to face everything I was too sick to really deal with before.

I have serious issues. First, the state still has not certified me as an attorney, as they are continuing to evaluate my character. The process has taken twice as long as it should because I have financial issues and the bar does not like it when you owe people money. I have been informed that I will likely be placed on probationary status, and have to report to the character committee throughout the course of the year regarding the medical debts. They want me to pay them off within a year, or risk losing the bar number that I don't even have yet. On top of that, more and more medical bills roll in everyday. I can't pay them right now. And because of all this, I still haven't received the raise I thought I would get months ago. I naively anticipated that I would be earning at least 50% more than what I currently make, and as a result, I am falling further and further behind every month because I planned my life around a salary I thought I would have by now (big mistake).

Even worse, it's not just medical debt. My alma mater is chasing me down for $ owed for my last month's rent and medical bills I incurred at UC Berkeley's health center. I owe money on personal loans that I should already be paying back, making me feel like total shit, because I really want those people to see me as trustworthy and dependable. And there are other things, things which have me REALLY freaked out about what might potentially happen in the coming months - but I don't think it's a good idea to blog about those things.

Every day I have been having minor panic attacks, it feels like my heart is going to fly out of my chest and I get shortness of breath. And it's getting worse every day. I constantly worry about what is going to happen. Am I going to get my bar #? Can I pay these things off in one year so the bar won't revoke my membership? Will I have wasted three years of law school and 100k in student loans to pursue a profession that might not let me practice?

In short, I am falling apart. My work is suffering. My mental health is severely suffering. I told Boyfriend this morning that I didn't know how I could take it anymore. I seriously feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I don't know what to do or how to handle everything. And that makes me feel even worse. I'm a total disastrophe at a time when I thought I would be at the top of my game.

Aaaaahhhhh. Freak out city. Anxiety.

Racist Bullshit, Hating The (Wo)Man

2006-12-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

I updated my firm calendar this morning and realized we have a deposition scheduled on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Total crap, because the fam and I were tentatively planning to drive to Utah to visit Step-Son and attempt to avoid his crazy lunatic mother. (And that's putting a really nice spin on this girl). Now, I have to stay in AZ - which I'm bummed about, I was really looking forward to seeing Utah. I hear it's super-perdy. And I miss Step-Son. I wish we had custody of him so that me, Daughter, Boyfriend and Step-Son could finally have the life we've always dreamed of herding elk in Canada. We're just waiting for the day when Step-Son is old enough to legally decide which parent he wants to live with, and then we can save him from the insanity his mother will certainly inflict upon him. I probably shouldn't write shit like that, but I tried so hard to be nice to Boyfriend's Baby-Mama (BBM) and she has been nothing but an awful Medusa-headed demon shrew. At every turn, I have tried to be respectful and cordial, but BBM refuses to even meet me - despite the fact that our children are siblings. She can't stand to hear my name and won't let me talk to Step-Son on the telephone. Even Daughter thinks she's mean, and we never talk shit about BBM in front of Daughter. BBM is so hateful that even a ten-year-old picked up on it. I hope that when BBM dies, she has to go to some shitty spirit-heaven planet run by a mean man who treats her the way she treats us. Take that, Mormon retard.

In any event, bullshit. I can't believe we don't take MLK as a holiday. If I were black, I would probably have the balls to demand celebration - take the day off anyhow if my request were ignored - and then threaten racial discrimination in the event of repercussions. Maybe I should start telling everyone around the office that I'm half black, and begin planting the seeds of my Mormon-Land Getaway...

Dazed and Confused

2006-12-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

Things around the office feel slightly... awkward.

Republican Paralegal has been uncharacteristically not complaining my ears off.

Front Secretary has been uncharacteristically not listening to me complain her ears off.

The Boss gave me a much needed nod of approval. We received defense counsel's Response to a very important motion today, and when The Boss asked me my thoughts, I conveyed my surprise at how poorly thought-out the Response was. The Boss asked me what I would have written if I were Defense Counsel. I listed things. The Boss smiled. The Boss nodded. Likely meant more to me than he meant to convey. I don't care, I am going to read into that shit all day. I need some God-Damned praise, justified or not. I wanted to go on - because I actually had more good ideas - but The Boss' cell phone rang and I got the "I have to take this..." office walk-out. And another nod.

There are three cases of bomb-ass champagne sitting in the kitchen, waiting to be shipped off as Holiday Gifts from The Boss to various people. I can't find the mail-merge address list. Sucks, I was totally going to slip myself in.

Trial Success Rates

2006-12-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

I was joined on the elevator by a few older people who work at BIGLaw - the super-huge firm that lives on the top three flooors of the building where I work. Anyhow, Female Partner asked Male Partner how his daughter's post-law school job was working out:

Male Partner: "Well, she won't be working Saturday or Sunday. This is the first weekend that she doesn't have a trial starting the following Monday."
Lex: Damn. Suckin.
Female Partner: "Really? Every Monday, that's awful. For how long?"
Male Partner: "Since she started in September. She's a public defender, says she loves it."
Female Partner: "So how's she doing?"
Male Partner: Moment of quiet tabulation. "I think she's won one."

I got off the elevator and wondered - one win out of (my estimated) 14 trials.... is that good? I mean, obviously not good in most areas, but is 1 in 14 a good win-rate for a Public Defender?

Republican Paralegal: fortune-telling the faith of others

2006-12-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

The firm's Holiday Dinner was Saturday. The Boss toasted my success on the bar exam, even making a speech about how it was even more impressive in light of the fact that I failed the first time. I think that's bullshit, but The Boss made it sound all After School Special. It was nice. The dinner was held at a lovely restaurant that had really good food and really good wine. I drank lots of the really good wine and ended up chucking my really good food when I got home. This severely interfered with my "really good wine" sex.

Anyhow, dinner was entertaining. The Boss made lots of Anti-Repugs jokes that were met with silence from Republican Paralegal and her husband. This morning, Republican Paralegal told me she was most offended by jabs made by The Boss concerning Barbara Bush and her resemblance to scary, mythical, male-like creatures. Republican Paralegal also noted that Boyfriend is "very handsome", so I didn't really care what she thought about everything else that happened at dinner.

But - last week - Republican Paralegal pushed what may be my "second to last button"-button.

I went to her on Friday morning and again expressed my opinion that she should no longer hold back her political beliefs. I explained that The Boss wouldn't punish her; if anything he would probably hold back the shit-talking soas to make her feel more comfortable. Republican Paralegal firmly disagreed. She is convinced that if The Boss finds out about her political affiliation, he will fire her. I told her that was nonsense, and explained that I-the sole office Atheist- never get shit for thinking that God is for the schizophrenic and simple-minded.

She responded, I shit you not, Republican Paralegal responded by telling me that my lack of faith is not nearly as big a deal as her differing political beliefs because she feels that The Boss and Office Manager don't really believe in God!!!

Apparently, if they did, their thinking would be more in line with Republican Paralegal's. Further, The Boss and Office Manager don't have strong relationships with God, nor do they turn to Jesus Christ as their true savior and blah blah blah (she seriously gave me the Savior Speech). Republican Paralegal thinks Office Manager goes to church because she was brought up in the Midwest and that's "just what they do, how she grew up, all she knows." Even better, Republican Paralegal thinks The Boss goes to church for, I shit you not, the "social benefits." Like maybe he knows better than to believe in God, but might run for office someday so he knows he needs the religion card in his pocket... That's what I came up with when I tried to reconcile his level intelligence with that of a believer. But that's an Atheist's justification. For Republican Paralegal, the Bible loving God-hopper, to say that The Boss and Office Manager don't really believe in God... Honestly, I'm an Atheist and I found it somewhat insulting.

I immediately went to Front Secretary and told her everything. Front Secretary is my favorite. We bitched and complained together about Republican Paralegal and Front Secretary confessed that she can't stand the woman. We both kinda want to take her out and rough her up street style.

Republican Paralegal will be found out soon. The question is, how do I go about it without getting any credit?

Republican Paralegal: The Boss' inadvertent assertion of my revenge.

2006-12-01T14:40:00.000-07:00

We all pow-wowed about logistics of the office Christmas dinner today.

Thinking I might spark some interesting discussion among The Boss and Republican Paralegal, I reminisced about a funny comment The Boss made at last year's dinner to an attorney who used to lease space in our office. The Boss had made a toast, and said to Leasing Attorney "Dinner is on Leasing Attorney, it'll be a great way to use those tax cuts." Something along those lines.

Anyhow, in response to my comment, The Boss went on a rant:

The Boss: "The thing about Leasing Attorney wasn't just that he was cheap. On top of that, he was a Republican." Absolute disgust.
Lex: Shot look at Republican Paralegal silently asking if any response was coming. Nothing. Coward.
The Boss: "I mean, most people who do Plaintiff's work and feel a sense of compassion for others, generally those people have liberal beliefs. I couldn't stand that he was a Republican. Idiots."
Lex: Shot look at Republican Paralegal silently asking if any response was coming. Nothing. Coward. I decided to try to give her an in to voice her own beliefs. "Well, The Boss, it is plausible that someone can have conservative values and believe in Plaintiffs work." Wink at Republican Paralegal. Republican Paralegal still said nothing. Coward. "I mean, there's a continuum of conservative and liberal beliefs. People can, for instance, be socially liberal and fiscally conservative. You can't just break it down to political party."
The Boss: Reply consisting of overly smart statements that singlehandedly defeated my insight. He is good at that. The Boss refused to entertain the possibility that he might be overgeneralizing.

After the crowd broke, Republican Paralegal came into my office and thanked me for sticking up for her while not outing her. I told her it was no problem, but my real motivation was never to make her feel better. I wanted Republican Paralegal to challenge The Boss. To say what she really thinks and not just go with what she thinks everyone wants to hear. Which I am starting to think she does. A lot. For the zillionth time, Republican Paralegal predicted the hell she would face if The Boss knew her political beliefs. But she found solace in her belief that God would bring her another job if The Boss fired her over her political beliefs. I don't think The Boss would do that, although he would likely *engage* her in *spirited* debates over political issues. Seems to me that Republican Paralegal should be willing to defend her beliefs. I guess she knows better than to go toe to toe with a seasoned, kick ass, argument machine of an attorney that is The Boss.

Just before Republican Paralegal was thanking me for having her back, I was ratting her out to Office Manager. Earlier this morning, Office Manager and I were talking about how Republican Paralegal got mad last week. I spilled that Republican Paralegal had been upset, but that she cooled down over the Thanksgiving holiday. Office Manager made a comment that Republican Paralegal would never get so upset as to leave the firm. I sat silently remembering the numerous occasions that Republican Paralegal told me she was considering quitting, and when she sent out resumes and interviewed with other places. I looked at Office Manager very seriously and said "I know with certainty that that's not true."

Take that, Republican Paralegal. I didn't straight up out her or rat her lack of loyalty. Particularly the fact that she pretends to be so loyal when she isn't. I didn't say that she had actively pursued other jobs since the first month she started working here. I didn't tell anyone she was a Repug.

But I began planting the seeds. Let's watch and see what grows.

Note to others: Don't disagree with and dismiss an atheist every chance you have and then expect them to protect you from having others approach your beliefs with that same attitude.

Republican Paralegal: Lex's last nerve

2006-11-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am *this close* to bitch-slapping Republican Paralegal. Other than the general annoyances I have suffered because of her over the past week (see post below), she has taken it to a personal level.

For starters, we were talking about my much improved health yesterday. I mentioned that it was nice to be detoxed, but difficult because now I have to face some seriously stressful things that I was able to push aside in a narcotic induced haze while I was sick.

She asked me if I had been taking the narcotics so I wouldn't have to deal with the stressors. I answered that I was taking the narcotics for pain, but admitted that the pills left me feeling detached in general, and so stressful things didn't hit me as hard. "So, do you think you have an addictive personality?" she asked. I responded honestly that I do; that's something I have known for many years.

She implied that I was never really sick. Rather, that I was addicted to pain killers and avoiding life. I tried not to let this bother me, because I think she was trying to be helpful... At least that's what I'm telling myself. I explained that I was in pain for a long time before I started taking painkillers regularly, and so, to me, it was obvious that the medical condition preceded the pill-taking. But I admitted that I was hooked. Of course. You take pills for that long and you get hooked. It's easy math. Republican Paralegal took that and ran with it - suddenly all she could talk about was my addictive personality and the addictions of my childhood. I was annoyed. But tried not to take it personally. Tried to view it as innocent commentary.

Today, we were decorating the office Christmas Tree. Republican Paralegal started singing some Christmas song and asked the rest of us if we sang Christmas carols. She turned to me laughing and said "what do Atheists sing?" I replied that we chant for demon spirits to unleash their fury upon those who believe in resurrection. Also that we have created an intricate, multi-step routine that we perform while we dance circles around burning crosses and break stain-glass images of the Virgin Mary.

I feel like Republican Paralegal has judged me. Funny, because shouldn't she believe that is God's job? On numerous occasions, she has made derogatory remarks about my Atheism, whether it be like the comment above or generally asking me if I "seriously" believe there is no God. I feel like Republican Paralegal looks down on me for not being married to the man I live with, for having had a child so young, and for expressing skepticism of her opinions (work related, I don't argue with her about religion). The most annoying part is, I think she thinks she's helping me-- trying to *save* me or something. She sees me as this young girl who had a difficult life and now I just need someone like her to push me in the right direction and help me see the light.

To further bolster her negative opinion of me, I was quick to school her in porn lingo. We were moving around the branches of the fake tree to make it look fuller when Republican Paralegal referred to our efforts as "fluffing" and that we were "fluffers." Hysterical laughter. Republican Paralegal expressed confusion and I explained a fluffer's job at porn shoots. She asked me how I knew and I said I learned it at the last Pornography Convention I attended.

I'm finding it harder and harder to blow these things off. Do I say something? I think the majority of my ill will revolves around her lack of respect for my belief that her religion is idiotic. I don't try to convince her that her religion makes no sense. It also bothers me that she talks shit about everyone else in the office to me, making me wonder what she is saying about me to everyone else. But there are things about her that I like. She always asks about me and my family and then randomly brings things up weeks later - showing me that she listens to my stories and lodges them somewhere in her memory - caring enough to follow up. She always offers practical nursing advice about health issues. She compliments my maturity. She seems genuinely interested in me as a person.

I dunno.

If I bitch-slap her and then hug her really tight, would that break even?

Republican Paralegal: crying wolf

2006-11-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

Republican Paralegal is in a bad mood. She took yesterday off, and before the Thanksgiving holiday she was mad at The Boss and Office Manager. Republican Paralegal was upset with The Boss' decision about a potential case, and took it personally. She told me about it briefly, before spending the rest of the day silently fuming.

This morning, I asked if she was still upset. Republican Paralegal said that she had calmed down but that the ordeal still kinda bugged her. I (rightfully) sided with The Boss and tried to explain why I thought Republican Paralegal was wrong.

This is the third or fourth time that Republican Paralegal has been upset with The Boss in the eight or so months she's been here. One time, she even looked for another job and went interviewing. I don't know whether she got an offer. Apparently, I am the only one Republican Paralegal feels comfortable enough to talk with about all this. No one else in the office knows that she has misgivings with The Boss' approach, let alone that she's a Republican. She told me once that she is afraid to express these things, as she thinks they will cause discomfort and personal ridicule on the work front. She's probably right, I don't think The Boss would let her live it down if he knew her political beliefs. And so I have been sworn to secrecy.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Part of me doesn't want Republican Paralegal to leave. She's nice and takes an interest in my life. She tells me how great I am and Lex likes that. On the other hand, she's a hard-core God person. That is hard for me to handle. I'm the only Atheist in the office, but feel like Republican Paralegal is the only one who holds it against me. She can't fathom the idea that someone could not believe in any sort of after life or higher power. Also, she told me recently that it offends her slightly when I say "cheese and rice" instead of "Jesus Christ." I was like "seriously? the whole point is to be more respectful to believers..." Her feeling is that, even though I am saying Cheese and Rice, I really mean Jesus Christ - so it's just as offensive. Cheese and rice. Whatever.

I wish that if she were going to quit, she would just quit. Every month or so she gets butthurt about something and decides that this might not be the sort of place she can work at. She talks about getting a different job. Then she gets over it. If she quits, I'll be the one doing all the intake work, screening potentials and whatnot. I did that for awhile before she started, and it totally sucks.

Part of me wants her to quit right now so that I am in a better position to renegotiate with The Boss. That's mean. But I'm practical. This is a small office, if Republican Paralegal quit, everybody else would immediately become more valuable. I would hate to strike a deal with The Boss only to have Republican Paralegal quit two weeks later when I could no longer use it to my advantage. But I don't think she's going to quit. I think she has thin skin and lets things get under it too easily. It's a little frustrating - one day all I hear about is how she can't work in an uncomfortable environment and moral work ethics and blah, Blah, BLAH... and then the next day it's no big deal. And no one knows it but me. To everyone else, she's totally committed to the firm, but I know better.

Just in Case

2006-11-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

This morning's elevator ride was short and had low turnout. Just me and 20th Floor Man. I hit the button and up we went. I was getting off first, because he was going to level 20, which houses one of the largest firms in Phoenix and has a reputation for being super-awesome (so far as BigLaw firms can be super-awesome). Anyhow.

20th Floor Man: Wearing a suit. "At least it's a short week." The breathing of his laughter makes his briefcase heave up and down with his chuckles.
Lex: Also happen to be wearing a suit today. "Not for some of us, you know, Newbie Patrol." Trying really hard to communicate that I too am a lawyer. Sorta.
20th Floor Man: Laughs harder. Suitcase heaves further. "Really, even on Thanksgiving?" Seems genuinely surprised.
Lex: Stoic. "Yeah, probably working from home though, not so bad." Not. I'll be sitting at home working on one of the three bottles of wine I have already purchased. There will be no thinking on the law or matters of this office. At all. Not one day of the four day holiday. Fuck that. "It's fine, the family will still be there and lots of work means lots of cases. My name is Lex, I work at Little Guys Firm, just graduated last year. I don't mind the work, that's the way it is. Always good to learn. Good times." Hear that, I said cases. Cases as in legal. Always good to learn as in go ahead and beat me like a wounded race dog and then make me run fifty more laps you sick, sick torture mongers with your 2200 billable hour requirements. As in I too could work on the 20th Floor alongside you - you who have come far enough to actually get holidays off while working at BigLaw. You should hire me immediately. I went to Berkeley. I don't mind working. I lie well.
20th Floor Man: "Well, that's a great attitude to have." Shakes my hand. "I'm Mr. Suitcase Man."
I exit the elevator and wave. I don't think I want to work 60 hours weeks, even for 100k a year. But I'm going to kiss ass and meet as many Mr. Suitcase Men as I can.

Mad World.

2006-11-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

There are days, becoming more and more frequent, where I want to ditch this job American Beauty style. Walk into The Boss' office, tell him it's been real nice, but that I need to re-evaluate my life and the direction I'm going. I want to go on a tirade about the symbolic nature of of being Alive and the importance of every action we take. Up until now, I've been able to do this every couple of years. This worked out really well in college - it was always 'what's the next summer job'? 'what's on next semester's class list?' 'what graduate program do I want to enter into?' And so on. Until last year, my life was a series of small markers of success that allowed me to never really get bored. There was always something new that was about to happen. Not anymore.

All around me are familiar faces. Worn out places. Worn out faces.

How many people are bored with life? Wake, wash, dress, work, repeat xs/5. Then lay around for two days dreading the coming Monday? Endless cycles of meaninglessness. How does one escape the ever-present threat of monotony that being an adult presents? Every day I come into this office, I ride the elevator with the same people. Blank looks everywhere. Meaningless paperwork waiting to be completed before moving on to the next stack. No one likes this. Everyone wants to escape. And if you don't, that's even worse.

Bright and early for the daily races. Going nowhere. Going nowhere.

I feel like I'm wasting a good portion of (what should be) my healthy years going through this cycle of working and working, yet never really getting anything accomplished. I mean, I am one of the fortunate few that goes into emotional fits over my job; I do find some solace knowing that my work has a profound effect on me. It feels better than I imagine it would feel to sit around filling out benefit administration paperwork or something really, really awful... But still, I feel like my life belongs to Client X or The Boss or Someone Else. It's not really mine anymore. I don't get to sit around and write poetry and watch the clouds pass or sing to myself quietly.

I find it hard to tell you. I find it hard to take.

I don't always feel this way. Some days are worse than others. Today sucks. I once had a friend who got fed up with life and went to work and quit that following Monday. I want that feeling. But I don't have the luxury. He probably doesn't even have that luxury anymore. I've got a family and medical bills and student loans to pay off and so I keep at it with this nine to five thing. But I don't want to. I want to sit around and drink good wine, go hiking whenever I want. Drive off to California and the beach and visit my family for weeks at a time. I want to retire at the age of 27.

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson? Look right through me. Look right through me.

There's got to be a way to adjust. There are benefits to being a grown-up. No bedtime. No forced broccoli. No R-rating restrictions... But the trade-off sucks. For all the time I had to think on it and prepare to enter the working world, one would think I would have come up with a better way to inject meaning into the mundane. But I didn't. The practicality has even invaded my imagination. I lie in bed before I have to start getting ready and ask myself: if I had the day off to do whatever I wanted, what would I do? Then I think of something awesome, like heading to Alamere Falls... and find myself wondering 'could I get back in time to not be late tomorrow?' No, I couldn't. If I had the day off I would have to stay local. But I don't have the day off. I've gotta get my ass off to work. Same thing. All the time. Where's the meaning?

When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.

What's the answer here folks? Do I just deal with it? How do you deal with it? I've tried the whole comparing myself to a starving African child thing, but that doesn't help. Why didn't I end up a concert pianist or a writer or follow my age 12 acting ambitions? If I had gone one of those routes, would I still be searching for meaning? If I were independently wealthy and didn't have to work, would I wonder if I needed to earn my way to the top to find happiness? Will I never be satisfied? I know that most of the people riding the elevator with me won't be. Most people's lives are a constant waiting game. What to do this weekend. What to do this Thanksgiving. What to do over the holidays. Never, 'wow, look what I'm doing RIGHT now.' Who gets to feel that way all the time? Who has the luxury of enjoying every second of their lives... Is it possible? Should it be?

Lotta Links

2006-11-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm dead tired. Can't focus. I went to the restroom three times just so I could take mini-naps in the stall. I suspect Paralegal suspects I may be bulimic as I do this especially right after I eat. What can I say? Eating makes Lex tired. I am having happy daydreams about going home and laying in bed, falling into happy slumber.

In the midst of my inability to do anything productive, I've checked all the blogs on my roll 10+ times. Post of the day goes to CECU, for linking this Daily Kos story regarding the Republicans latest ass-saving attempt: calling some of the new members of Congress "Conservative Democrats." Good story.

Yay!!! Mexico City legalizes gay marriage.

Anyhow, I emailed an old friend yesterday, asking him why he hasn't been in touch. This is the latest in a string of attempts. I've called, left messages, emailed - I get nothing. He sent me a forward, one of those ones with 20 or so "about me" questions that you answer and then forward back to everyone, including the one who sent it to you... I answered in an attempt to get his attention. No luck. Hope he's not mad at me. So Eldritch, if you're mad at me, call me anyway. I'll apologize. Not talking to old friends and not knowing why makes me a sad one. This happens to me far too often. Makes me think I'm not very good at the friend thing.

I looked at some pictures that Ryan linked to. Very nice (Borat voice). At the site, there was a link to other pictures. Some of these pictures were of Mormon Temples. Please, please, please, Ryan, tell me you are not a Joseph-Lander. It's one thing to be a Christian, but being a Mormon requires that someone schedule an intervention... Unless, you know, you really are a Mormon. In which case, there's nothing wrong with that....

A helicopter just arrived at the hospital across the street. I'm watching it land. Every time I do this, I can't help but think that might be our next case. That's kinda twisted on top of someone being sick.

Every news site had a story about Britney Spears divorcing Kevin Federline. Why is this news? Why do I keep reading? They all say the same thing: K-Fed-Ex is a loser and wants all of Britney's money. Not much different from when they were married.

I updated the blogroll to delete a few people who never post anymore. Except for TEM and Fresh Pepper - I have my fingers crossed that both will return. I also added The Attractive Nuisance. (hat-tip WT) Good blawg about a new associate making her way in law land, trying to have an affair with a partner she has lovingly nicknamed Lord of The Rings. She comes up with really good nicknames for her characters.

Update Sadie, update.

The 49ers might leave San Francisco and go to... Santa Clara!!! Boo!!! Stay in SF you guys, don't ruin it by moving to Santa Friggin' Clara.

Officer Manager is out with the flu. Paralegal is out to go hike the Grand Canyon. Front Secretary is on the phone and she is really loud. She seems is having far more fun than I.

Ok, sorry for the boring post folks. But I figured I'd better put something out there now since I don't usually blog on the weekends.

Post Election Celebrations

2006-11-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I got drunk at work today.

After Republican Paralegal left, The Boss busted out a bottle of champagne. We all sat in the kitchen and celebrated the Democratic victories. It's days like today that I'm really, really happy that I didn't end up at BigLaw.

Almost Disenfranchised

2006-11-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

So I went to vote today. It was like a friggin treasure hunt.

Before leaving work, I called my polling location to make sure I was headed to the right place (being new to the area and all). I was informed that the polling site had been switched, and I needed to go to a different location.

I went to said different location - The Church. I was told that my name was not on the roster. The voter-"helper" lady told me to go to The Senior Center. I go to The Senior Center. No polls.

I walk inside and ask where the polls are. "I don't know, we were scheduled to be an election site, but the election people never showed up this morning. You can try The School down the street, sometimes they do it there."

I go to The School down the street. Turns out, I'm not on that list either. They look at my voter registration card and tell me that I'm supposed to vote at The Church down the street, the first place I went to.

I go BACK to The Church, loudly decrying my frustrations. Magically, they found my name on the list, and I got to vote. Two hours and six bucks in gas later.

Here's what gets me the most:

1) How can you change a polling site at the last minute and not notify affected voters? How many people will show up to that place, find nothing and give up?

2) How can you not find my name on the roster? Being able to follow basic rules of alphabetizing should be a requirement to be a polling volunteer.

3) How many people would have the endurance to go to FOUR different places? I'm determined, but many people need to get back to work, or are on foot.

4) I just happen to live in a lower / middle class area.

Crap.

2006-11-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I passed the bar, and I've been waiting on my bar number, slated to arrive after my character report finishes processing. It's been awhile, so I called the Committee today to find out what was going on. The helpful man told me that the investigative portion of the report is complete and has been sent to the Committee for final determination. He also mentioned that there "seems to be some problems" with my finances, so they will likely request more information or pull me in for a hearing. This sucks so much. My finances are a mess because mounting medical bills - I just don't have enough money to pay everything and I have a few accounts that are months past due. The shittiest thing is that, in order to pay those debts, I need to be a full-fledged attorney -- but, apparently, to become an attorney, I have to pay those medical bills.

I'm freaking out about this.

Timing is Everything.

2006-11-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

So, Saddam Hussein gets death. Not a surprise, except for the part where the verdict came two days before U.S. midterms. Wait, I guess that's not really surprising either. I smell a last minute Republican flurry of "look at the progress in Iraq." Fuckers.

Roads Left in Both of Our Shoes

2006-11-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

I'm better. Still sore... but I'm Better. Completely. That pain is gone. Completely gone. I'm crying. Not full-out weeping, but tears running down my cheeks with the overwhelming happiness of feeling this way again. Almost forgot. So many times I worried that whatever was wrong with me was really bad, maybe only to get worse and worse. But it didn't. I got better. After two years, a one-hour surgery made me better. Still in disbelief, I'm seeing life through different eyes. It's new, just began over the past few days.

Laying in bed over the past couple of days, I have been thinking a lot. Mostly about all the things I'll be able to do again. I want to run again. I used to run a lot. Three, four times a week for 45 minutes or even an hour-and-a-half... if I was feeling really strong. Tying up my New Balances, great music on my MP3 player, I hit the pavement and ran laps and laps around my apartment complex. The Ex wasn't into it and I had no friends who lived close enough to join me with any regularity. I always really wanted a running partner.

I've lived in Arizona for over a year, and I've never hiked here. I used to hike all the time. Never gone out driving without a destination in mind. Just exploring. Sadie and Uncle Reptile got their apartment in July, and I've never even been there. They probably have new snakes that will scare the shit out of me. I want to go to the Grand Canyon. Can't remember the last time I picked up Daughter. She's ten now, I hope I can still pick her up. I'm going to try as soon as this residual soreness is gone. I'm going to try until I get her all the way up with her arms around my neck and I'll kiss her eyelashes.

I looked around the apartment today, realizing that since moving in, I have not done one load of laundry. Rarely made dinner. Never done the dishes. Haven't cleaned the bathroom. I might have made the bed once, but just because I was trying to get lucky. I sit in bed and food and clean clothes and fed cats and cold bottles of Propel all find their way to me. Boyfriend does it all. And he's just as sick as I was. Almost never say thank you. I realize he does everything, but rarely recognize it. Boyfriend is constantly in action, going to doctors, picking Daughter up from school, picking up after Daughter, picking up after me... He emptied and filled my ice bag every three hours. He talked to two nurse-neighbors to get advice on how to best ease my recovery after the surgery. Made sure I took my medicine. Asks me how I'm feeling. Brought me flowers. Helps me stand.

For the first few days after surgery, any little movement hurt. Boyfriend slept next to me on the floor so that I wouldn't hurt if he twitched in his sleep. I didn't think much of it. I didn't ask him why he was sleeping on the floor until after he had done it for three or four days. I take Boyfriend for granted, and he deserves more than that. He spends so much time thinking about how to make me feel happy, loved and understood... I want to learn how to show love better. I love so much, I feel it falling out of me. But fear it's sometimes invisible. I've gotten through too many hard times by not let anything hit too deep. Sarcasm and irreverant distance provide a safe haven. Turns out I'm not so good at expressing sappy feelings. I feel these amazing things, but don't know how to show them. I'm going to work on that now that I'm better.

Tonight, I laid in bed with Daughter and we talked and talked and then she fell asleep. We used to do that every night when she was younger. One of the most amazing things you can do in life is laugh with a child and then watch them fall asleep. Over the past couple of years, I've mostly just given Daughter a kiss and said goodnight before going back to bed and my heating pad. I miss her. So much. More than anything, being sick has stolen the quality of my time with Daughter. I tire easy, and don't have the energy to keep up. She runs circles around me, and I just watch. Sometimes I don't even do that. I want to run with her. She has told me so many times over the past months that she wishes I would get better; it's been so hard on her. So hard. I remember having a sick parent, it's terrible.

Daughter joined the track team a couple months ago. She came in fifth out of seventy-five at her last meet. She wants to be my running partner. We're going to run together. Run to something more.

Down with the Sickness

2006-10-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, it's five days post-surgery. I am still in pretty agonizing pain. I sneezed yesterday, and thought my insides would fall out. I've got bruises all over my belly and three incision sites. This shit totally sucks ass. I had a similiar surgery last year (minus the removed ovary) and recovery was nowhere nears this bad.

All that said, I think it might have worked. I don't feel the gnawing, aching pain in my right side anymore. Maybe that's because I'm so focused on the residual pain from the operation, but I'm optimistic.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

2006-10-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, I don't know much about Stephen Hawking other than he is really, really smart and talks with a voice synthesizer. Today, I learned a few smutty facts about Prof. Hawking that are just aching to be shared

The man can have sex. He has three children from his first marriage. Also reported that his current wife, who he is divorcing, had a strange initiation habit for Prof. Hawking's new caretakers: they had to watch the two having sex, to prove that the Prof. has got it like that.
The Prof. ain't faithful, he reportedly fell for someone new. No, he didn't literally fall - like out of his chair or something - he just leaned over and said "what's shaking baby" in his Darth Vadar voice. And it worked! Now, I know he's a genius and all, but what's the attraction here? It's another case of the Anna Nicole syndrome - I could never handle having to wipe the slober away and plant a kiss on some foul-looking man just to get his money.
The current, soon to be ex, is the ex-wife of the man the developed Prof. Hawking's synthesizer.

Isn't that enough? The Prof has officially gained street cred in my book.

Blaming the Catholics.

2006-10-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Look, I hate religion and its leaders just as much as the next guy, but does Mark Foley seriously think that it helps his case to blame it on getting "molested" by a Catholic priest? I'm sorry, but getting a back rub by a man of the cloth 40 friggin' years ago just doesn't cut it buddy. Now, this is still a good thing, because all this talk of the priest just brings the Foley ordeal smack in the front of the headlines again. I like that. I mean, I think it's stupid to blame an entire party for the ills of one (well, two, Hastert dropped the ball, or enjoyed it himselfl, whatever). But in this case, it is working against the Republicans, so I'll take it. If it takes a couple teenagers getting sexy messages from a dirty old man to get the Dems higher numbers in Congress, well, you know, sucks for them. But... I'm a utilitarian. Go Foley!

Bad Law

2006-10-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

It's always the worst when a senior attorney gives you a research project on a key issue and you learn that the law is not in your favor. This happened to me once during my 2L summer job and the partner proceeded to call me into his office and argue with me about why the law should be different. I agreed with him, but pointed out that our conversation did not change the law. He didn't like that. We never got along very well.

The same thing happened to me today. The Boss handed me a research project and told me it was an ASAP issue. It impacted the amount of recovery for one of our clients in a big, big way. I dug in. Printed case after case. Fell into a highlighting frenzy. I wrote up a memo outlining all the ways in which the law worked against us, and took it to The Boss. He was on the phone, so I put it in his InBox. He gave me a dirty look and held out his hand, as though to say "Give it to me now." I handed it to him and walked out quickly. Sitting at my desk, I remembered that 2L summer and thought 'oh shit, he's going to bitch at me because he doesn't like what I found. I hate when this happens.'

15 minutes later he walks into my office:

The Boss: Laughing. "So you're basically telling me we're screwed, huh?"
Lex: "Yup, that's the long and short of it. Sorry."
The Boss: "Republican assholes."
Lex: Laughing. "By the way, thanks for the flowers."

It was such an unexpected response but it was totally awesome. As for the flowers, I walked into work Tuesday after having been absent since the previous Wednesday and there's this huge vase full of flowers. There was a card signed by everyone in the firm congratulating me on passing the bar. The Boss wrote "It's the smartest people who worry the most." I like The Boss. He's a good boss. Today.

Relationship Advice From Lex

2006-10-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

After swallowing your pride and apologizing for being an ass after a Sunday spat, it's best not to say:

Lex: "I missed the Steelers/Chiefs game because of this arguing. Lucky it was a landslide, or we'd still be fighting right now."

After the words fell from my mouth, I realized this was not the most prudent statement to make. Fortunately, it didn't get me in trouble again. Boyfriend is forgiving.

Happy Anniversary!!

2006-10-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today is my mom and step-dad's one year annivversary. It took the man 20 years to make an honest woman out of her =) It also took him twenty years to take the leap of marrying into the insanity that is my family.

See, my mom had no choice but to be part of this crazy-ass clan. My step-dad volunteered to be part of this shit. So Step-Dad, I wish you good luck in the years to come with that crazy lady.

Love you mom.

Really, I am very happy for you guys. I hope you have a wonderful 1st and a happy Friday the 13th.

Holiday Time

2006-10-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Happy National Coming Out Day to Everyone!!!

It's so great that there is a day celebrating people being who they are. Go gays! So, in the spirit of this great day, I list all the things that make me a little gay:

1) I have great fashion sense.
2) I support gay marriage and oppose the Republican assholes who try to prevent it.
3) I am the BIGGEST fan of Project Runway.
4) I've slept with two women in my life. Kissed more than I can count.
5) I regularly read Arbusto.
6) I think ABBA is awesome.

I'm sure there is way more, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head.

YaY!!!

2006-10-06T15:46:00.000-07:00

I won the bar.

Entertaining Caselaw Tidbit

2006-10-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

So I'm reading through a mountain of cases in preparation for a motion I'm writing and came across 770 F.2d 811:

The case involves a University of Arizona student who bought temporary car insurance before taking a trip to Mexico. The insurers name, I shit you not, is "Gringo Pass Insurance Agency."

Hilarious.

Sweet Revenge

2006-10-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

I got my car back from Repair Shop after my hydroplaning into a muddy ditch fiasco. As soon as I drove it off the lot, I realized that the airbag light was flashing and the air conditioner didn't work. Both of these things worked pre-accident. I proceeded to turn around and go back to Repair Shop.

I explained the defects to an innocent receptionist, bitched about how it had already taken over a month to get it as fixed as it was, and impatiently inquired what the repair shop proposed to do. I was told to wait in the lobby while the repair men attempted to charge the air conditioner, to see if that would fix both problems. Aside from wondering how in the fuck charging an air conditioner might reset the airbags, I sat in the lobby silently plotting my revenge.

Do I sue them? Their delays had already put me out over $200 in my car rental. Do I leave the car there and demand an expedited fix? They had already proven themselves incompetent. Did I beat up innocent receptionist? She was the only person in the joint under 200lbs and I might actually be able to take her. Did I steal 5 Dr. Peppers from the small fridge labeled "$1 per can"?

Finally, In-Charge Guy came back in and told me I had two options. One, I could leave my car there for another week and they would "see" if they could get someone from the Nissan dealership to take a look at the problems. This was a shitty option because the car was in Flagstaff and I live in Phoenix, about a one and a half hour drive. My second option was to take the car to a Nissan dealership in Phoenix, have them estimate the cost of the repairs, and then have podunk Flagstaff bad-fixer Repair Shop reimburse the cost. Being as I didn't have any way to get home, I opted for option two. But it pissed me off.

Walking out of the repair shop, I found myself still desiring an outlet for my frustration. I requested that In-Charge Guy put in writing that the repair ship would be covering the repairs. Yeah, that'll show'm, act all lawyerly and maybe they will take this more seriously. Before leaving, I asked to use the bathroom. This was when opportunity struck.

Lo and behold, Repair Shop basically left me a revenge manual. Idiot of all idiots, Repair Shop keeps their files, filing cabinets and other important looking paperwork in the bathroom they let their customers use. (That is how hokey this place was). I turned on the sink and went to work. I pulled a few papers out of a file and put them in another. I did this to about 25 files. I then went into the alphabetized files and pulled some "T-Z" and put them in "A-H", put "G-M's in "N-S" and so on. I also did this to about 25 files. I figure that my file interference ought to cause some headaches for Repair Shop.

Now, I may have left without getting my airconditioning and airbags fixed... but, man o man, my little bathroom escapade really made me feel better about getting screwed by Repair Shop's idiocy.

I'm immature. It's fun sometimes.

Lex's Theory on Bedside Manners

2006-09-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

Boyfriend and I have been having some bedside confusion lately. Fortunately, the misunderstanding was cleared up last night along with my fears that my love was in jeapordy.

Boyfriend: Laying on my side of the bed watching t.v. "Do you want your side of the bed back?"
Lex: Quickly. "Yes!"
Boyfriend: "Whoah. No big deal. Why the excitement?"
Lex: "Because, that's my side of the bed, and you have slept on it a couple times in the past week and... well, it's my side of the bed. Once sides of the bed are disrupted, everything goes to hell."
Boyfriend: Looks at me like I'm crazy. "I just did that because you were on my side already."
Lex: Relieved. "Oh, ok. Well, that was just to watch t.v. For sleeping, I need to keep my side."
Boyfriend: Still looking at me like I'm crazy. "Oooohhh-Kaay."

Now, maybe I'm making too big a deal here, but I truly believe in the telling nature of disruption in bed sides. One of the clearest signs of being in a serious relationship is when the two of you have established sides of the bed. Once sides of the bed are established, there is no going back. If your partner suddenly wants to change sides of the bed, your relationship is likely in serious trouble. This is because changing bed sides isn't really about seriously wanting to mix it up, it's a hidden power ploy. Your partner suddenly wants to move from the left to the right, not because there is something missing in the left side, but because the right side is yours. It's all about determining whether or not the other person is willing to bend to your will.

Is anyone with me on this, or am I a nutbar?

"No Cat-Naps You Two-Bit Drug Addict"

2006-09-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

The Boss just came out of his office proclaiming he feels much better after having taken a cat-nap:

Office Manager: "Yeah, they say people should take a couple twenty minute cat-naps throughout the day while at work."
The Boss: "Well, that's good employers. I'm a bad employer. We'll have none of that here. No cat-napping."
Everyone laughs.
Office Manager: "Well, sorry I woke you up."
The Boss: "It's ok, I didn't need the sleep anyhow."

I wanted to lay my head down and take my own cat-nap to see if he really would be bothered by it. I don't think he would, he's a good boss, but I'm walking a thin line - no joking around with boundary testing this week.

In other news, I'm totally addicted to Percocet. It was prescribed to me about a week ago by an ER doctor and then refilled by my "pain management" doctor. This morning, I woke with a belly ache. Not at all like my regular pain. This was just a good old fashioned belly ache. I took two Percocet and ten minutes later the belly ache was gone. I'm convinced this means I am physically addicted to the stuff. Which totally sucks, because it's not even a fun addiction. There's no all over good time. Nothing. Just shitty addiction with no corresponding good time high.

Man, college really is a once in a lifetime opportunity to explore and have fun. I miss being in college.

Non Job Loss and The Conservative

2006-09-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

How many thought I was done blogging? I considered it. Especially after the loss of Fresh Pepper, one of my all time favorite bloggers. Plus, I thought to myself recently, 'Lex, you're just not as good as you used to be. Not really funny anymore, kind of a downer. Just not blogging material.'

Now, all these things remain true. My quality of blogging has plummeted drastically in recent months and my sense of humor died with the Crocodile Hunter (I saw that one coming.) But I'm selfish, I can't give it up, it's a sick, sick addiction that illness and worry and concern about being caught just won't take away.

I'm still sick. I tried to resign from my job last week after going to The Boss in near tears and arguing I just am not well enough to do the quality of work he and the clients need. He declined my resignation and was really supportive - wanting me to get better. That was nice. He offered me an unpaid leave which I declined. I then went on to take five paid days off. In fairness to me, two of them were while I was in the hospital so there wasn't a whole lot I could do about that. Anyhow, we'll see how supportive The Boss is next week when bar results come down and I failed again (I scored two points lower on the MBE this time than I did the first time around - bitch faced whore.)

So today I am off to the doctor demanding a surgery. I need to be out an ovary.

Wow - Paralegal just admitted to me that she is a Bush supporting Iraq war lover. Then she swore me to secrecy and told me never to tell The Boss lest she endure endless jibes. How will I keep such juicy information to myself? Especially in this election season.

*sigh* - It's good to have juice on coworkers. Seriously, The Boss would never let her live it down if he knew she was a Bushie. Even I secretly downgraded the intelligence level I attributed to her prior to this information.

He Had It Comin'

2006-09-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

The Boss left for the day. Good news because now I can sit back and not work. Well, I wasn't working before, but now I don't even have to pretend, which is a little like working.

So we've got this new case. Very different from what we usually take. It involves police brutality and it turns out that Arizona has some pretty protective statutes that save cop ass. For instance, A.R.S.12-712 basically says that if the plaintiff, at the time of injury, is engaging or beginning to engage in a criminal act, then there is no liability against the defendant. Now, almost anytime you're involved with a police officer and it ends in brutality, there's going to be something a cop can make up to "prove" that you were getting ready to engage in a crime. Resisting arrest would probably be the most invoked excuse - if I were predicting results of an empirical study on the matter... You resisted arrest and therefore you will have the shit beaten out of you with a baton stick, while your hamster is maced and your grandma gets raped. And the cop gets off. Twice. Dirty bastard.

I found a couple of sticky affirmative defenses such as this and immediately took them to The Boss. He wasn't concerned. He thinks he's that guy from the play Chicago... what's his name... you know, the guy Usher is playing these days. Yeah, him. That's who The Boss thinks he is.

The Downward Spiral.

2006-09-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

I know I've been a bad Blogger lately. I have been depressed/overwhelmed/not feeling well over the past few weeks. Everything is happening at once and I don't know what to do. Crashing my car, worries at work, certainty that I failed the bar again, concerns regarding the quality (or lack thereof) of Daughter's schooling, financial concerns, health concerns... it feels like things are coming down on me at once, and I don't quite know how to handle it. More importantly, I'm super-depressed. It's hard to feel good when things are going bad. I want to know the magic way to feel happy no matter what is going on. Invincible love of life type thing. I'm feeling the heat, but there's no flame to enjoy.

Speaking of flame, I found Ex-Husband's MySpace page today. It's lame. A lame flame. That made me feel better for a second, but certainly didn't give me the *ooommmff* I need.

If anyone knows a good way to escape reality, please share. No acid recs though, that shit just has way too heavy a hangover.

Estimating Lunch Conversations

2006-08-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

I got my vehicle loss estimate today. Rounds out to near $4,000 worth of damage incurred in the accident. Fortunately, I only have to pay $1,000 of this - but I'm suprised, I thought the damage would be more... Geico posted pictures of my wrecked car online. It brought back the whole experience and nearly gave me a panic attack.

In other news, The Boss has taken both Paralegals out to lunch over the past week or so...? They both had recent birthdays, and I'm told this is the reason. But somewhere inside of my lies deep suspicion, thinking these luncheons must be in order to discuss my ridiculous number of recent absences and my future at the office. I mean, I didn't get taken out on a birthday lunch. Sure, we were in the midst of a trial, but still. I didn't

Crunch, Crunch, Crash

2006-08-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

I crashed my car Tuesday. Big time. I was driving in the rain and hydroplaned, spun a 720, broke through a barb-wired cattle gate and ended up in a deep puddle of mud. It was one of the top three scariest moments of my life. The fourth is the thousand dollar deductable that I will have to find in order to get all the damage fixed. Daughter and Boyfriend were with me, and Daughter screamed the whole way through. It was the worst. I'm still a little freaked out about it, two days later. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Unfortunately, the damage wasn't enough to constitute a total loss that might get me out of car payments.

Freaky.

A Boy Named Sue

2006-08-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

There's a strip club next to my work called "Bandaids"

And I Thought I Was the Token Office Liberal

2006-08-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

Although he's on vacation, it's been reported that The Boss believes yesterday's foiled terrorist attempts are a veiled right-wing conspiracy. The idea was to deflect American attention away from the economy, pissiness over Iraq, etc and get our thoughts back to where they should be: Republicans and their foreign allies are the only ones who will keep you from getting blown up by terrorists. Vote for your local Republican this Fall.

Seriously. This is more something I would expect to read on a sign from the crazy Chinese guy that stands in front of Cal with a huge cardboard with writing all over it and screams out "happy, happy, happy."

I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand, makes me think The Boss is a little loony, which is frightening because his logical abilities so greatly impact my economic and professional future. On the other, it makes me think The Boss is a super-liberal nutbar, which is really pretty awesome.

Breaking Even

2006-08-10T17:02:00.000-07:00

I don't buy lottery tickets. My theory is that the lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math.

Today I saw a scratcher with advertising reading "win $250,000".

"Well," thought Lex, during a momentary lapse of reason, "that would solve all my problems."

I bought the ticket for a dollar.

I won a dollar.

Take Your Eggs And... Keep 'Em

2006-08-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

Turns out I am not a good candidate for egg donation. The reasons include, but are not limited to:

- history of OB-GYN disorder(s) (hey, I figured if I can't use 'em, someone should)
- family history of Multiple Sclerosis (in fairness, I've been told it could have been all the coke dad did)
- history of depression and anxiety (Unfair. I think everyone has this history, it's just that only some of us have been treated)

It's B.S. really. Why can't they balance these factors against my "pros." I went to college. I got through law school. I'm semi-pretty. I have a relatively high IQ. I would think potential parents would be willing to look past the negatives and be like "someone just give me an egg already." Apparently not.

Looks like I need to find another way to make money.

If Only I Lived a Simple Life, Like Those People in the Middle East.

2006-08-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I quit smoking cigarettes. It's just not monetarily feasible. I'm on Day 1 and I want to bite off something's head, like that one guy did last week when his pet rooster attacked his pet pigeon...

Anyhow, I am having a financial crisis and am trying to figure out what to do to fix the situation.

First is the possibility of giving up my car. Last September, I bought a car and am making monthly payments on my beloved Allie the Altima. But I figure if I went without the car payments and the corresponding insurance, I would be better off. My concern is this - I have put 30,000 miles on the car, caused some minor cosmetic damage (as I am a really bad parker). But I am wondering, and if anyone knows, please tell - what happens when you surrender a car you are making payments on? I'm only a year into the payments, so I'm still basically just paying interest. I haven't paid enough on it to create a situation where I could sell the thing off or find someone to take over payments. I owe way more than the value of the vehicle. So I'm wondering, if I give up the car - will the financing company sue me for damages for the decreased value of the car? Am I going to be making lawsuit payments of equal value of the damn car - only without the damned car...? Anyone have any knowledge on this subject?

The other thing is worrying about the future of my job. I'm seriously concerned that I failed the bar again. If that happens, I don't know whether The Boss will fire me, but I do know that he definitely won't give me a raise. So part of me thinks I should start looking for a new job now - sending out applications with "waiting on July 2006 bar results" in my cover letter. That way, if I can sell out and get a big firm to hire me, they might keep me around if I do fail and let me try again come February. But if I do pass the bar, The Boss will give me a raise. And I would much rather stay with The Boss. I also feel like a complete asshole for even considering bailing on The Boss after he invested in me after I failed the bar the first time. But if I wait it out and it turns out I did fail again, I get no raise. And then, after knowing I failed, I'm in no position to go out and get a job at another firm. So the question is - do I risk it and wait out the results of this July's bar exam, or do I look for a new gig now, while I can still say "I sat in July and I've got a Berkeley J.D."?

Questions, questions...

Also, CECU, would you hate me forever if I sold my piano? I've been selling things off left and right to get by and am thinking I might have to sell off my most prized possession. I don't know what I would do without a piano, it would break my heart not to have it. But it will really break my life not to have electricity.

Blah

2006-07-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in a crappy mood today. I attribute this mostly to post-bar blues, particularly the hell that was the MBE. I'm at work, but not working. Reading anything I can in order to not work. I read about the death of a young chess prodigy. Some guy fell out of another rollercoaster. Leonardo DiCaprio may or may not have reunited with Gizelle Bunchen. Baby Suri probably doesn't exist. Californians can't take the heat. California morgues can't take the capacity of those that can't take the heat. Lance Bass is gay.

I'm also pretty pissed off because Ex-Husband is a jerk. He called today re: the details of switching off Daughter from her summer vacation. I tinkered the plan, as he did on the initial switch, and he got completely pissed off and hung up on me. He's a dick.

My old landlord still hasn't told me how much (if any) of my $1,000 deposit he is going to give back. He said a large part of the house needs new carpet and he plans to make me pay for it if "the best cleaners in town" can't get the stains out. So, likely, he will keep my $1,000 and then bill me for the same. He's a dick.

My new landlord still hasn't fixed my ice-maker. I should probably call again and ask what the deal is - I'm guessing the work order got lost, but I hate calling maintenance.

*sigh*

Useless Lex today. I'm depressed. Maybe I should start taking some Zac or something.